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Series 2, Episode 15: Spanish Inquisition
The cast:
MAN Graham Chapman
WOMAN Carol Cleveland
CARDINAL XIMINEZ Michael Palin
CARDINAL BIGGLES Terry Jones
CARDINAL FANG Terry Gillam
The sketch:
Man: Trouble at mill.
Woman: Oh no – what kind of trouble?
Man: One on’t cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Woman: Pardon?
Man: One on’t cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Woman: I don’t understand what you’re saying.
Man: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent) One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treadle.
Woman: Well what on earth does that mean?
Man: *I* don’t know – Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that’s all – I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD – The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang is just Cardinal Fang)
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is suprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise…. Our two weapons are fear and surprise…and ruthless efficiency…. Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency…and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope…. Our *four*…no… *Amongst* our weapons…. Amongst our weaponry…are such elements as fear, surprise…. I’ll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)
Man: I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD – The cardinals burst in)
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms – Oh damn! (To Cardinal Biggles) I can’t say it – you’ll have to say it.
Biggles: What?
Ximinez: You’ll have to say the bit about ‘Our chief weapons are …’
Biggles: (rather horrified) I couldn’t do that…
(Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again)
Man: I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD – The cardinals enter)
Biggles: Er…. Nobody…um….
Ximinez: Expects…
Biggles: Expects… Nobody expects the…um…the Spanish…um…
Ximinez: Inquisition.
Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect –
Ximinez: Our chief weapons are…
Biggles: Our chief weapons are…um…er…
Ximinez: Surprise…
Biggles: Surprise and —
Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there – stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! …our chief weapons are surprise…blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.
Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. ‘My old man said follow the–‘
Biggles: That’s enough. (To woman) Now, how do you plead?
Woman: We’re innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Superimposed caption: ‘DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER’)
Biggles: We’ll soon change your mind about that!
(Superimposed caption: ‘DIABOLICAL ACTING’)
Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless– (controls himself with a supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal — the rack!
(Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger)
Ximinez: You….Right! Tie her down.
(Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack)
Ximinez: Right! How do you plead?
Woman: Innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn.
(Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)
Biggles: I….
Ximinez: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you can’t. I didn’t want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Biggles: I…
Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Biggles: Shall I…?
Ximinez: No, just pretend for God’s sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the rack. The doorbell rings. the man detaches himself from scene and answers it. Outside there is a dapper BBC man with a suit and a beard, slightly arty.)
(Sketch continues…)
Please note that the Spanish Inquisition reappears in Photos of Uncle Ted and in end of the
Court Scene (Charades).