Series 3, Episode 28: Vicar Salesman
VICAR Eric Idle
MRS. SHAZAM Terry Jones
DOCTOR Graham Chapman
Vicar: Hello, I’m your new vicar. Can I interest you in any encyclopaedias?
Mrs Shazam: Ah, no thank you. We’re not Church people, thank you.
(The vicar opens his suitcase to reveal it is packed with brushes.)
Vicar: How about brushes? Nylon or bristle? Strong-tufted, attractive colours.
Mrs Shazam: No – really, thank you, vicar.
Vicar: Oh dear … Turkey? Cup final tickets?
Mrs Shazam: No, no really, we’re just not religious thank you.
Vicar: Oh, well. Bye bye.
Mrs Shazam: Bye bye, vicar. (she shuts the door, as she returns to seat the vicar pops his head round the door again)
Vicar: Remember, if you do want anything… jewellery, Ascot water heaters…
Mrs Shazam: Thank you, vicar. (he goes) It’s funny, isn’t it? How your best friend can just blow up like that? I mean, you wouldn’t think it was medically possible, would you?
(Cut to a doctor in a posh consulting room.)
Doctor: This is where Mrs Shazam was so wrong. Exploding is a perfectly normal medical phenomenon. In many fields of medicine nowadays, a dose of dynamite can do a world of good. For instance, athlete’s foot – an irritating condition – can be cured by applying a small charge of TNT between each toe.
(he opens the door)
Vicar: Hello, I’m your new vicar, can I interest you in any of these watches, pens or biros? (exhibits the collection inside his jacket)
Doctor: No … I’m not religious, I’m afraid.
Vicar: Oh, souvenirs, badges… a little noddy dog for the back of the car?
Doctor: No thank you, vicar. Good morning.
Vicar: Oh, morning.
(He shuts the door.)
Doctor: Now, many of the medical profession are skeptical about my work. They point to my record of treatment of athlete’s foot sufferers – eighty-four dead, sixty-five severely wounded and twelve missing believed cured. But then, people laughed at Bob Hope, people laughed at my wife when she wrapped herself up in greaseproof paper and hopped into the Social Security office, but that doesn’t mean that Pasteur was wrong! Look, I’ll show you what I mean.
(goes to a wall diagram of two skeletons and taps one with a rod)
Skeleton: Watch it, mate. I’m not going to stay round here getting poked and prodded all day.
(clips a face on and moves off the diagram)
I’m off.., I’ve got a decent body, all I get is poked and prodded in the chest.
(moving through countryside)
Well, I’m off. I’m going to get another line of work.
(goes past various warning signs)
Voice: Watch it!
Voice: Don’t go any further!
Voice: Turn back!
(The sprocket holes at the side of the film come into view.)
Voice: Stop! Oh, please stop!
(The skeleton moves past the sprocket holes and falls into blank space.)
Voice: Oh, my god, he’s fallen off the edge of the cartoon.
Voice: Well, so much for that link.