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Series 3, Episode 29: Salvation Fuzz (Church Police)
The cast:
WOMAN Terry Jones
MAN Eric Idle
SON Graham Chapman
CHURCH POLICEMAN Michael Palin
The sketch:
(Cut to a kitchen. A man and woman listening to a radio.)
Radio Voice: I would like to ask the team what they would do if they were Hitler.
Man’s Voice: Gerald?
Another Voice: Well I’d annex the Sudetenland and sign a non-aggression pact with Russia.
First Man’s Voice: Norman?
Norman’s Voice: Well I’d do the Reichstag bathroom in purples and golds and ban abortion on demand.
Woman: (switching the radio off) Liberal rubbish. Klaus … what do you want with your jugged fish?
Man: Halibut.
Woman: The jugged fish is halibut.
Man: What fish have you got that isn’t jugged, then?
Woman: Rabbit.
Man: What? Rabbit fish?
Woman: Yes. It’s got fins.
Man: Is it dead?
Woman: Well, it was coughing up blood last night.
Man: All right I’ll have the dead unjugged rabbit fish.
CAPTION: ‘ONE DEAD UNJUGGED RABBIT FISH LATER’
Man: Well that was really horrible.
Woman: You’re always complaining.
Man: What’s for afters?
Woman: Well there’s rat cake … rat sorbet… rat pudding… or strawberry tart.
Man: Strawberry tart?!
Woman: Well it’s got some rat in it.
Man: How much?
Woman: Three, rather a lot really.
Man: … well, I’ll have a slice without so much rat in it.
CAPTION: ‘ONE SLICE OF STRAWBERRY TART WITHOUT SO MUCH RAT IN IT LATER’
Man: Appalling.
Woman: Moan, moan, moan.
(Enter their son.)
Son: Hello, mum, hello, dad.
Man: Hello, son.
Son: There’s a dead bishop on the landing.
Woman: Where did that come from?
Son: What do you mean?
Woman: What’s its diocese?
Son: Well it looked a bit Bath and Wellsish to me.
Man: I’ll go and have a look. (goes out)
Woman: I don’t know who keeps bringing them in here.
Son: Well it’s not me.
Woman: I’ve put three out by the bin and the dustmen won’t touch ’em.
Man: (coming back) Leicester.
Woman: How do you know?
Man: Tattooed on the back of his neck. I’m going to call the police.
Woman: Shouldn’t you call the Church?
Son: Call the Church police.
Man: …all right. (shouts) The Church police!
(Enter two policemen with ecclesiastical accoutrements.)
Church Policeman: Yus!
Woman: There’s another dead bishop on the landing.
Church Policeman: Suffragan or diocesan?
Woman: How should I know?
Church Policeman: It’s tattooed on the back of their necks. Ere! Is that rat tart?
Woman: Yes.
Church Policeman: Disgusting. Right! The hunt is on. (kneels) Oh Lord we beseech thee tell us who croaked Leicester.
(Organ music. A huge hand descends and points at the man.)
Man: All right, it’s a fair cop, but society is to blame.
Church Policeman: Agreed.
Man: I would like the three by the bin to be taken into consideration.
Church Policeman: Right. And now, I’d like to conclude this arrest with
a hymn.
All: (singing) And did those feet in ancient times walk upon England’s mountains green. (policemen escort the man out) And was the holy lamb of God on England’s pleasant pastures seen.