Series 3, Episode 39: Oscar Wilde Sketch
The cast:
PRINCE Terry Jones
OSCAR WILDE Graham Chapman
WHISTLER John Cleese
SHAW Michael Palin
The sketch:
Zoom in to overlay showing some stock film of hansom cabs galloping past. Suitably classy music starts.
CAPTION: LONDON 1895
CAPTION: THE RESIDENCE OFMR. OSCAR WILDE
Mix through to Wilde’s drawing room. A crowd of suitably dressed folk are engaged in typically brilliant conversation, laughing affectedly and drinking champagne.
Prince: My congratulations, Wilde. Your latest play is a great success. The whole of London’s talking about you.
Oscar: There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
There follows fifteen seconds of restrained and sycophantic laughter.
Prince: Very very witty … very very witty.
Whistler: There is only one thing in the world worse than being witty, and that is not being witty.
Fifteeen more seconds of the same.
Oscar: I wish I had said that.
Whistler: You will, Oscar, you will.
(more laughter)
Oscar: Your Majesty, have you met James McNeill Whistler?
Prince: Yes, we’ve played squash together.
Oscar: There is only one thing worse than playing squash together, and that is playing it by yourself.
(silence) I wish I hadn’t said that.
Whistler: You did, Oscar, you did.
(a little laughter)
Prince: You really must forgive me, Wilde, I’ve got to get back up the Palace.
Oscar: Your Majesty is like a big jam doughnut with cream on the top.
Prince: I beg your pardon?
Oscar: Um … It was one of Whistler’s.
Whistler: I never said that.
Oscar: You did, James, you did.
The Prince of Wales stares expectantly at Whistler.
Whistler: … Well, Your Highness, what I meant was that, like a doughnut, um, your arrival gives us pleasure and your departure only makes us hungry for more.
(laughter) Your Highness, you are also like a stream of bat’s piss.
Prince: What?
Whistler: It was one of Wilde’s. One of Wilde’s.
Oscar: It sodding was not! It was Shaw!
Shaw: I … I merely meant, Your Majesty, that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.
Prince: (accepting the compliment) Oh.
Oscar: (to Whistler) Right. Right?
(to Prince) Your Majesty is like a dose of clap.
Whistler: Before you arrive — before you arrive is pleasure, and after is a pain in the dong.
Prince: What?
Oscar: and
Whistler: One of Shaw’s, one of Shaw’s.
Shaw: You bastards. Um … what I meant, Your Majesty, what I meant …
Oscar: We’ve got him, Jim.
Whistler: Come on, Shaw-y.
Oscar: Come on, Shaw-y.
Shaw: I merely meant …
Oscar: Come on, Shaw-y.
Whistler: Let’s have a bit of wit, then, man.
Oscar Come on, Shaw-y.
Shaw: (blows a raspberry)
The Prince shakes Shaw’s hand. Laughter all round.