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Series 3, Episode 39: Blood Donor
The cast:
SAMSON John Cleese
GRIMSHAW Eric Idle
The sketch:
SAMSON: Blood donors that way, please.
DONOR: Oh, thank you very much.
SAMSON: Thank you.
GRIMSHAW: (whispering)
SAMSON: What?
GRIMSHAW: (whispering)
SAMSON: No, no. I’m sorry, but ‘no’.
GRIMSHAW: (whispering)
SAMSON: No, you may not give urine instead of blood.
GRIMSHAW: (whispering)
SAMSON: No. Well, I don’t care if you want to.
GRIMSHAW: (whispering)
SAMSON: No. There is no such thing as a urine bank.
GRIMSHAW: Please.
SAMSON: No. We have no call for it. We’ve quite enough of it without volunteers coming in here donating it.
GRIMSHAW: Just a specimen?
SAMSON: No. We don’t want a specimen. We either want your blood or nothing.
GRIMSHAW: I’ll give you some blood if you’ll give me…
SAMSON: What?
GRIMSHAW: …a thing to do some urine in.
SAMSON: No, no. Just go away, please.
GRIMSHAW: Anyway, I don’t want to give you any blood.
SAMSON: Fine. Well, you don’t have to, you see. Just go away.
GRIMSHAW: Can I give you some spit?
SAMSON: No.
GRIMSHAW: Sweat?
SAMSON: No.
GRIMSHAW: Ear wax?
SAMSON: No. Look, this is a blood bank. All we want is blood.
GRIMSHAW: All right. I’ll give you some blood.
SAMSON: Where did you get that?
GRIMSHAW: Today. It’s today’s.
SAMSON: What group is it?
GRIMSHAW: What groups are there?
SAMSON: There’s ‘A’,–
GRIMSHAW: It’s ‘A’.
SAMSON: (sniff) Wait a moment. It’s mine. This blood is mine! What are you doing with it?
GRIMSHAW: I found it.
SAMSON: You found it?! You stole it out of my body, didn’t you?
GRIMSHAW: No.
SAMSON: No wonder I’m feeling off-colour. (drinks from bottle) Give that back!
GRIMSHAW: It’s mine.
SAMSON: It’s not yours. You stole it.
GRIMSHAW: Never.
SAMSON: Give it back to me.
GRIMSHAW: All right, but only if I can give urine.
SAMSON: Get in the queue…