Series 4, Episode 41: Toupee Department
TOUPEE MANAGER Terry Jones
CHRIS QUINN Eric Idle
BRADFORD Michael Palin
CRAWLEY Graham Chapman
(A hand holding a sign saying ‘Toupees’ beckons Chris Quinn. He goes over to door and is ushered through. There are pictures of famous bald world figures with toupees on the walls.)
Toupee Manager: Don’t worry, sir, you’re among friends now, sir. (the manager has an appalling toupee; Chris sees it and tries not to stare; the manager introduces his assistants) Mr Bradford, Mr Crawley. (Bradford and Crawley come forward; each has a toupee worst than the others) These are our fitters, sir. We’ve had a lot of experience. in this field and we do pride ourselves we offer the best and most discreet service available. I don’t know whether you’ll believe this sir, but one of us is actually wearing a toupee at this moment…
Chris: Well, you all are, aren’t you?
(They rush to a mirror.)
Bradford: Have you got one?
Crawley: Yes, but I didn’t know…
Toupee Manager: I didn’t realize that you two.., I thought it was me,
Crawley: Yes, I thought it was me,
Bradford: So did I. (to Crawley) That is good.
Chris: Actually, I only came in here to ask where the manager’s office was.
Toupee Manager: Just a minute – someone told you we all had toupees?
Crawley: Oh yeah?
Bradford: How did you know?
Chris: Well… it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?
Crawley: What do you mean obvious! His is undetectable.
Chris: Well, it’s a different colour, for a start.
Bradford: Is it?
Crawley: Course it isn’t!
Chris: And it doesn’t fit in with the rest of his hair… it sort of sticks up in the middle.
Bradford: It’s better than yours.
Chris: I’m not wearing one. (they all jeer)
Toupee Manager: Oh, I see, you haven’t got one.
Crawley: Why did you come in here then?
Chris: They told me to find the manager’s office here.
(They all jeer again.)
Bradford: Oh no, not again.
Crawley: That’s a bit lame, isn’t it…
Chris: It’s the truth!
All: Manager’s office. (they laugh mockingly)
Bradford: Yeah, look at it. Where did you get that, Mac Fishcries?
Toupee Manager: Dreadful, isn’t it?
Chris: It’s not, it’s real look. (he pulls it)
All: Oh yeah, anyone can do that.
(They all do the same. Bradford incautiously pulls his loose.)
Crawley: Come on, get if off.
Chris: Get away.
Toupee Manager: Look, do you want a proper one?
Chris: No, I don’t need one.
Bradford: There’s no need to be ashamed.
Crawley: We’ve all owned up.
Chris: I’m not wearing one.
(They all look at each other for a moment, registering ‘a hard case’.)
Toupee Manager: Don’t you see… this is something you’ve got to come to terms with.
Chris: I am not wearing a toupee! They just told me to come in here to find the manager’s office, to complain about my ant!
(They look at each other.)
Crawley: Pathetic, isn’t it.
Bradford: Complain about an ant?
Toupee Manager: This is for your own good.
(He grabs Chris’s hair. A fight ensues in which all the assistants get their toupees dislodged. Chris is backed up against a door marked: ‘Strictly no admittance’. He suddenly ducks out through this door…
and lands in the…)