This week docweasel.com’s top reporter on the Hollywood gossip beat, Jeremy Taters, gives an up to the minute report on the Democratic candidates in the 2004 Presidential Election.
Hihi again, Jeremy here and ok ya’ll probably know I’m not one of these big political junkies who know all the people running and stuff like what party they belong to but hellabalooza I do know people and you can kind of get a sense of who would make a good president and who wouldn’t and here’s my dirty little secret: the way you rate Democrats is easy and just look at Clinton. What was the one thing he had going for him the whole time? That’s right- Presidential HAIR. That man had hair that showed leadership goldarnit and even kept planes grounded while Christos did his hair that’s how much HE cared about America. So we’re gonna rate the candidates on their coiffures and let’s just begin, shall we?
Howard is working the comb-over to its best effect, and notice its coming from the left, which I think is significant, but see then it moves right after the crucial primary season. I expect him to be parting it in the middle by the convention. He’s compensating for that mid-life crisis “am I as virile as I once was without my locks” angst and instead of buying a Porshe convertable and fucking a 20 year old Senate page (boy or girl, depending on which way he’s bent) he’s flexing his muscles and waving his cock around with a big old campaign plane saying “I’m the best man for the job honey”. Well Howey, that hairline is just going to creep back further and further if you do get the gig, stress works that way. In fact, I think it wouldn’t be long before we were referring to him as “President Morehead”- more head than hair, get it!? I crack myself up!
This guy is the anti-establishment brat who is just driving the Democratic party bosses up a wall, so who better to emulate than- Cowabunga dude!– Bart Simpson! That bright yellow skin tells everyone what a multi-cultural guy he is; instead of a rich, white liberal from Vermont, he’s an edgy, out-there young go-getter from Springfield USA! He’s yellow, he’s mellow and he’s a hell of a fellow, HOWARD “Don’t have a cow, man” DEAN!
Let me quote the Zombies on John: Well, let me tell you ’bout the way he looks, the way he acts, the color of his hair. His voice is soft and cool, his eyes are clear and bright but he’s not there! Yeah, well he’s considered a mental zero, but so was Bushy! But, unlike G.W., who, according to Family Feud last night would most likely 5-NEVER appear on the cover of Playgirl, Edwards may be a shoo-in for the October issue, just in time for the ladies to check out his “policy package” and “missile deployment”. You know what’s the deal with Playgirl anyway? Do any women actually buy this? Anytime a girl wants to see a guy naked all she has to do is ask, really. And isn’t Richard Dawson adorable? Survey sezzzz: whatever.
The big knock on Edwards is he’s too pretty, he’s too immature and inexperienced, blah blah blah ok, so what’s the best way to just ooze maturity and experience? A flowing white mane of hair and a wise old beard! He looks just like God! And who doesn’t just love God? He’s the Creator for God’s sake! No pun intended, jeez how many times have I done that- today?! Anyways he’ll look like some wise old guy like Moses or Grampa Walton. The white robes help with the holy factor too- who’s gonna tell him he’s wrong when he looks that holy? Nobody that’s who. Instant winner = you Brother John.
Ok the man has no eyebrows, which I find disturbing but let that go and let’s look at his coif. This man has angry hair. Its just tense, you can see that. I suspect from the look on his face he’s not getting enough fiber either. If this guy isn’t suffering from chronic constipation I just don’t know bowels, which I do, believe me. You just can’t be a good chief executive when your hair and colon is clenched, and I think that would be a detriment to his running the country in a smooth, flowing manner. I would prescribe some hair relaxer for Dick and maybe some Metamucil. He really needs to make a follicle statement if he’s going to break out of the pack of gray old white guys, and some color to his tresses would be a good start, and something flashy would be tres charmen!
Dickey the G is seen as establishment and as an insider type dude. I understand he’s run for prez before, so this is like a come-back world-tour for him, and what’s the tried and true come-back coif? Blue afro of course! Worked for Cher, that and a butt-job, which wouldn’t hurt Dick’s chances either (wink wink). Get that sweet ice blue natural working and the nomination is as solid gold. A little body sculting and his chances increase diva dramatically!
This guy is already sort of well known as the inventer of those wonderful Teddy Graham crackers you loved as a kid and I have to admit one of my guilty pleasures is to curl up with a good Madonna movie and a box of Teddy Grahams and Betty-Crocker frosting and just go to town. Also, Graham is a Senator from Florida and just looking at him with that saucy two-tone surfer-boy ‘do you can see he’s a swingin’ hep cat who knows how to hang with the dawgs and make the ladies HOWL! He’ll be hangin’ ten while doin’ the Moondoggy on those French surrender monkeys the next war we have! Plus he would probably go to Disney World instead of dusty old Crawford Texas cow ranch like Bush. And as well all know, its the funnest place on Earth!
So far Bobby’s biggest problem is, even though he’s from the South “I just don’t seem to be connecting with colored folks”, as he puts it. Well who’s the most loved and trusted black personality in the world today? No, not O.J., its Miss Cleo of course! Bobby G just needs a bright orange Miss C do-rag, some jeri-curl and jet-black dye-job and he’s ready to hit the fried chicken and chitlins circuit! Gimme another big helping of them greens Mama! The dashiki from Afro-Active wear is casual and comfy and makes a strong statement of Black Power!
Kerry gets props from me for having the highest hair of the bunch. Now the question here is, is his hair that high or is it actually covering a very long, mishapen head? Perhaps an accident with forceps during delivery? We really need to ask ourselves if we want a President that other world leaders are going to confuse with Gumby. Besides that, he has been compared to Kennedy a lot. Remember that unpleasant mess with Kennedy getting shot and all? Wasn’t that awful?! Well with a big ol’ head like that, he would be an easy target. If its just hair though it could be a good trick to avoid being shot. So, this question should be asked at the next press conference: “Mr. Kerry, is that your head or are you just a master at teasing and gel-craft?”
Two-words: Curly Perm! You’ve got it up there John, let’s use it! Exciting and seductive – a striking style that always attracts attention. Other world leaders will be just dying! Be sure to discuss with your stylist the appropriate starting length and style for your face shape and lifestyle. Consult with your stylist to make sure that they understand your goals for your perm (in this case, world domination). You’ll wanna add some lip gloss for color, a cute fall frock as well.
The thing is I just don’t know if the country is enlightened and unprejudiced enough to elect a guy with a Moe Stooge haircut. I’m not saying Moe didn’t have leadership but we can’t have Dennis poking Mickey Gorbachev in the eye or hitting him on the head with a hammer just because we have disagreements with Russia. Speaking of which, why doesn’t Mickey get that big purple stain lazered off his head? Ok now my fact-checker is telling me Gorby doesn’t run the USSR anymore- ok there is no USSR anymore what do I know. Ok he can’t be using pliers to pull Putin’s nose when we have some kind of missile gap, is that better?
Poor Dennis just can’t break out of the single digits and he’s been suffering from a bad case of poll-envy lately and I know just that thing to break him out of those doldrums- a leadership lilt to his hair! Look at it, obviously its just too damn flat, he needs to get some heighth in there and look statesman like and respectable too, so I suggest the Ronald Reagan pompadour is just the fix for that bowl-cut he’s sporting. Plus he needs a catchy nickname like ‘The Gipper’- I’d suggest Denny Kootch! And the gold sequin suit works, it looks good on you, have I told you that? You look great in gold. You kind of have a Liberace thing going on.
Well this guy wins the ‘big forehead’ prize, you could fit a whole ‘nother face up there! He is known as the most conservative candidate so something funky and fun might be a better way to go with his hair. Cornrows? Dreads? The main impression I get from him is his strained, groaning voice that sounds like he’s passing a gallstone every time he talks. Its really depressing to hear and I can’t imagine four years of listening to that plus his wife is named Hadessah which is just to ridiculously ethnic. Can we call her Haddy? I just have a lot of problems with this guy and I don’t know if braiding some beads into his hair will fix that. It can’t hurt though, and I’d go with the yellow, green and red African motif. Still, the 70’s is back in a big way and a hippy-dippy ‘do would go over big with the old hippies of the Green party and the gays love sideburns, so I have a great idea on how to appeal to a wider electorate with a really great make-over hair-do.
Ok the guy is seen as stogy, conservative, blah, so, what says ‘with-it’ and ‘retro’ better than a fly away hair-do and some big mutton-chop sideburns? Plus for added fun in the sun, a platinum bleache job that just screams “I’m Joe, let’s go, let’s score some fucking votes, man!” A sassy red scarf and white jumpsuit completes the picture.
Carol Moseley Braun:
Well I simply love Carol’s do, the tight, tautly pulled back look is quite severe, however,
Braun’s saving money on botox by pulling her hair back so tightly there’s no possibility her frown lines may show. Yet somehow there’s a matronly, librarian quality to her. I bet when she lets that hair down she can be a sultry, feline sexpot with a taste for young male interns. And as Clinton proved, getting some oral in the Oval improves your performance as a Head of State. Well wait I guess it didn’t but jeez he sure was fun, wasn’t he? And as the first woman and first black president CMB would be a two-fer showing how very tolerant and equal opportunity we are here in the good ol’ US of America. Plus she has 2 last names, which is tres chic.
Charlie’s Angel’s II is a hit again this summer, proving America still hasn’t ended its love affair with Farrah Fawcett’s hair! This fun, kookie flip is a breeze, it only takes a couple of hours to set each day for the busy executive on the go! And the wild, wind-blown look will accentuate your care-free side as you stride purposely from the helicopter, waving gayly at the crowd! And you’ve never looked lovlier or felt more feminine, have you Madame Prez?
Sharpton for Prez, in 2004, can you dig it? He has the cool of Shaft and the policy wonkiness of Gore, he’s a bad mutha-SHUT YOUR MOUTH! I’m just talkin’ about Al! He has the medallion going on too, which is more than any white candidate can pull off. And, since the last Dem candidate was named Al, we can re-use all those ‘Elect Al’ bumperstickers that you just saw on all the cars. Still, he might consider going Jeri-curl rather than ‘fro for the hot Southern states. Any Democrat is going to need the inbred cracker vote if he is going to succeed and them peckerwoods always loved Michael Jackson back in his 3rd nose during Thriller and his tight Jeri-curl do. Here come da RevPrez!
One thing is for sure- the ‘fro got to go! Al is seen as too threatening, and just isn’t loved by non-insane black people and the entire white community. So, I’d suggest taking a cue from the most non-threatening and best-loved celebrity who also happens to be about the whitest guy I know: Pee-Wee Herman! Paul Reubens isn’t really using the ‘do anymore and if Al trades in the medallion for a snappy red bowtie, I can hear “Hail to the Chief” serenading him now!