Series 2, Episode 22: ‘There’s Been a Murder’
DOCTOR John Cleese
MOTHER Carol Cleveland
SON Graham Chapman
MUFFIN Michael Palin
(Cut to room, with doctor, mother, and son.)
Doctor: That’s not a part of the body.
Mother: NO, it’s a link though.
Son: I didn’t think it was very good.
Doctor: No, it’s the end of the series, they must be running out of ideas.
(Inspector Muffin the Mule bursts through the door.)
Muffin: All fight, don’t anybody move, there’s been a murder.
Mother: A murder?
Muffin: No… no … not a murder… no what’s like a murder only begins with B?
Muffin: No … no … no … no … no…
Muffin: Burnley – that’s right! Burnley in Lancashire. There’s been a Burnley.
Muffin: Burglary. Yes, good man. Burglary – that’s it, of course. There’s been a burglary.
Muffin: In the back, just below the rib.
Doctor: No – that’s murder.
Muffin: Oh… er no… in the band… In the bat… Barclays bat.
Son: Barclays Bank?
Muffin: Yes. Nasty business – got away with £23,000.
Son: Any clues?
Muffin: Any what?
Son: Any evidence as to who did it?
Muffin: (sarcastically) Any clues, eh? Oh, we don’t half talk posh, don’t we? I suppose you say ‘ehnvelope’ and ‘larngerie’ and ‘sarndwiches on the settee’! Well this is a murder investigation, young man, and murder is a very serious business.
Doctor: I thought you said it was a burglary.
Muffin: Burglary is almost as serious a business as murder. Some burglaries are more serious than murder. A burglary in which someone gets stabbled is murder! So don’t come these petty distinctions with me. You’re as bad as a judge. Right, now! The first thing to do in the event of a breach of the peace of any kind, is to… go… (pause) and … oh, sorry, sorry, I was miles away.
Doctor: Ring the police?
Muffin: Ring the police. Yes, that’s a good idea. Get them over here fast… no, on second thoughts, get them over here slowly, so they don’t drop anything.
Mother: Shall I make us all a cup of tea?
Muffin: Make what you like, Boskovitch – it won’t help you in court.
Mother: I beg your pardon?
Muffin: I’m sorry, sorry. That’s the trouble with being on two cases at once. I keep thinking I’ve got Boskovitch cornered and in fact I’m investigating a Burnley.
Muffin: Burglary! Yes – good man.
(Sound of police siren and sound of cars drawing up outside.)
Doctor: Who’s Boskovitch?
Muffin: Hah! Boskovitch is a Russian scientist who is passing information to the Russians.
Son: Classified information?
Muffin: Oh, there he goes again! ‘Classified information’! Oh, sitting on the ‘settee’ with our ‘scones’ and our ‘classified information’!
(The door opens and a plainclothes detective plus ten PCs (the Fred Tomlinson Singers) enter.)