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Series 1, Episode 5: Silly Job Interview
The cast:
INTERVIEWER John Cleese
STIG Graham Chapman
CAREER ADVISOR Eric Idle
The sketch:
(Scene an interview room.)
Interviewer: You know I really enjoy interviewing applicants for this management
training course.
(knock at door) Come in.
(Stig enters) Ah. Come and sit down.
Stig: Thank you.
(he sits)
Interviewer:
(stares at him and starts writing) Would you mind just standing up again for one moment.
(stands up) Take a seat.
Stig: I’m sorry.
Interviewer: Take a seat.
(Stig does so) Ah!
(writes again) Good morning.
Stig: Good morning.
Interviewer: Good morning.
Stig: Good morning.
Interviewer:
(writes) Tell me why did you say ‘good morning’ when you know
perfectly well that it’s afternoon?
Stig: Well, well, you said ‘good morning’. Ha, ha.
Interviewer:
(shakes head) Good afternoon.
Stig: Ah, good afternoon.
Interviewer: Oh dear.
(writes again) Good evening.
Stig: … Goodbye?
Interviewer: Ha, ha. No.
(rings small hand-bell) … Aren’t you going to ask me why I rang the bell?
(rings bell again)
Stig: Er why did you ring the bell?
Interviewer: Why do you think I rang the bell?
(shouts) Five, four, three, two, one, zero!
Stig: Well, I, I…
Interviewer: Too late!
(singing) Goodnight, ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Goodnight. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.
Stig: Um. Oh this is, is the interview for the management training course is it?
Interviewer:
(Rings bell) Yes. Yes it is. Goodnight. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Stig: Oh. Oh dear, I don’t think I’m doing very well.
Interviewer: Why do you say that?
Stig: Well I don’t know.
Interviewer: Do you say it because you didn’t know?
Stig: Well. I, I, I, I don’t know.
Interviewer: Five, four, three, two, one, zero! Right!
(makes face and strange noise,)
Stig: I’m sorry, I’m confused.
Interviewer: Well why do you think I did that then?
Stig: Well I don’t know.
Interviewer: Aren’t you curious?
Stig: Well yes.
Interviewer: Well, why didn’t you ask me?
Stig: Well…I…er…
Interviewer: Name?
Stig: What?
Interviewer: Your name man, your name!
Stig: Um, er David.
Interviewer: David. Sure?
Stig: Oh yes.
Interviewer:
(writing) David Sure.
Stig: No, no Thomas.
Interviewer: Thomas Sure?
Stig: No, no, David Thomas.
Interviewer:
(long look, rings bell) Goodnight. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Goodnight. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.
Stig: Oh dear we’re back to that again. I don’t know what to do when you do that.
Interviewer: Well do something. Goodnight. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding, five, four, three, two, one . . .
(Stig pulls face and makes noise) Good!
Stig: Good?
Interviewer: Very good – do it again.
(Stig pulls face and makes noise)
Very good’ indeed, quite outstanding.
(Interviewer goes to door) Ah right.
(calls through door) Ready now.
(four people come in and line up by desk) Right, once more.
(rings bell)
Goodnight, ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.
(Stig very cautiously pulls face and makes noise. Interviewer rings bell again. Suddenly the four men all hold up points cards like diving or skating judges.)
Stig: What’s going on? What’s going on?
Interviewer: You’ve got very good marks.
Stig: (hysterically) Well I don’t care, I want to know what’s going on! I think you’re deliberately trying to humiliate people, and I’m going straight out of here and I’m going to tell the police exactly what you do to people and I’m going to make bloody sure that you never do it again. There, what do you think of that? What do you think of that?
(The judges give him very high marks.)
Interviewer: Very good marks.
Stig: Oh, oh well, do I get the job?
Interviewer: Er, well, I’m afraid not. I’m afraid all the vacancies were filled several weeks ago.
(They fall about laughing.)
(Cut to man sitting at desk.)
Career Advisor: Well that was all good fun, and we all had a jolly good laugh, but I would like to assure you that you’d never be treated like that if you had an interview here at the Careers Advisory Board. Perhaps I should introduce myself. I am the Head of the Careers Advisory Board. I wanted to be a doctor, but there we are, I’m Head of the Careers Advisory Board.
(emotionally)
Or a sculptor, something artistic, or an engineer, with all those dams, but there we are, it’s no use crying over split milk, the facts are there and that’s that. I’m the Head of this lousy Board.
(he weeps, then recovers) Never mind, now I wonder if you’ve ever considered what a very profitable line of work this man is in.
(Cut to front door of a flat. Man walks up to the door and rings bell. He is dressed smartly.)
Next sketch continues – Burglar / Encyclopaedia Salesman.