Monty Python’s Contractual Obligation Album
Monty Python’s Contractual Obligation Album: (1980)
Monty Python’s Contractual Obligation Album is the final studio album by Monty Python, released in 1980. As the title suggests, the album was put together to complete a contract with Charisma Records. Besides newly written songs and sketches, the sessions saw re-recordings of material that dated back to the 1960s pre-Python shows I’m Sorry, I’ll Read That Again, The Frost Report, At Last The 1948 Show and How To Irritate People. One track, “Bells”, dates from the sessions for Monty Python’s Previous Record, while further material was adapted from Eric Idle’s post-Python series Rutland Weekend Television. The group also reworked material written but discarded from early drafts of Life Of Brian, as well as the initial scripts for what would eventually become The Meaning Of Life.
The group had not recorded an all-studio album since Matching Tie and Handkerchief in 1973 and were initially unenthusiastic about returning to the recording studio. Fresh from co-producing the Life Of Brian soundtrack album, Eric Idle oversaw the sessions which resulted in over half the album consisting of songs. Beginning in January 1980, the group recorded reams of unused material during the sessions, much of which found its way on to the unreleased outtakes album Hastily Cobbled Together For A Fast Buck, although some previously unheard material was included on the compilations The Final Rip Off (1987) and Monty Python Sings (1989). In 2006, further unreleased tracks were added to the special edition CDs of Another Monty Python Record, Monty Python’s Previous Record, Matching Tie and Handkerchief and the Contractual Obligation album itself. In 2014, three further tracks were added to the expanded Monty Python Sings (Again).
Due to the amount of cut material, the finished album features John Cleese on only three tracks (the reworkings of “String” and “Bookshop”, plus a brief appearance at the start of “Medical Love Song”) while Terry Gilliam does not feature at all. Gilliam’s absence was noted on the album’s Basil Pao-designed cover, which featured a plain inner sleeve on which Eric Idle wrote “Can T.G. do a nice-eye catching cover to help it sell?”, to which Terry Jones replies “Not really worth it”. The record label shown on the cover has a fake track-listing, with titles relating to the legal status of the contractual obligation. As with the Drury Lane album, the cover appears in a scene in Gilliam’s 2005 film Tideland, although it is only visible in the 2.35:1 aspect ratio version.
The actual record label of the original UK vinyl release had the standard Charisma design made up to look like parts had been torn off, onto which the first side had “Side one” scribbled on in pen, with “The other side” written on Side 2. The traditional George Peckham runout groove messages read “EXCUSE THE PAUSE BETWEEN SIDES, WE’VE JUST NIPPED OUT TO THE PUB FOR A PINT” on Side 1 and “DEAR MUM PLEASE SEND ANOTHER CUPPA DOWN, STILL CUTTING THE PYTHON L.P. LOVE PORKY X” on Side 2.
A 3 track 7″ single (CB 374) comprising “I Like Chinese”/”I Bet You They Won’t Play This Song on the Radio”/”Finland” was released in the UK on 3 October 1980 to tie-in with the album. Michael Palin appeared on the BBC’s Top of the Pops to promote the album, helping to give the group their highest chart position, peaking at No. 13 on the UK Albums Chart. The 2006 special edition contains four bonus tracks consisting of contemporary promotional material and demo versions of two songs.
Two tracks on the album caused controversy when first released. The lead track, “Sit on My Face” was sung to the tune of “Sing as We Go”, a song made famous by Gracie Fields, and reportedly its inclusion led to legal threats against the Python team for copyright infringement over the melody. Nonetheless, the song was retained on the album and had already been lip-synched by Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones as the opening of the second half of Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl, shortly before the album’s release (the song opens the heavily edited 1982 film version). The concert film also features Terry Jones twice miming to “Never Be Rude to an Arab”. In 2014, “Sit on My Face” was featured in the 2014 Monty Python performance reunion concert series, Monty Python Live (Mostly), expanded into a production number.
“Farewell to John Denver”, which contained a few bars of The Rutles member Ollie Halsall impersonating John Denver singing a parody of “Annie’s Song”, followed by the sound of the singer being strangled, was removed from subsequent pressings of the UK version on legal advice (reports differ as to whether it had to do with the licensing of “Annie’s Song” or the depiction of the popular singer being murdered), and was replaced by an apology spoken by Terry Jones. In the U.S., there was no need to clear the John Denver parody, as parodies are covered under U.S. copyright law. Later CD releases of the album reinstated the John Denver track, but after Denver’s death in a plane crash, the 2006 reissue reverted to Terry Jones’ apology (the original “Farewell to John Denver” track can be found on the Arista CD The Monty Python Instant Record Collection). Original advance print advertising by Charisma Records included the tagline, “Now a Major Lawsuit”.
SIDE ONE
- 01 Sit on My Face :45 Sit on My Face
- 02 Announcement :22 Announcement
- 03 Henry Kissinger :49 Henry Kissinger
- 04 String 2:20 String
- 05 Never Be Rude to an Arab 1:00 Never Be Rude to an Arab
- 06 I Like Chinese 3:11 I Like Chinese
- 07 Bishop 2:29 Bishop
- 08 Medical Love Song 2:35 Medical Love Song
- 09 Farewell to John Denver :15 Farewell to John Denver
- 10 Finland 2:18 Finland
- 11 I’m So Worried 3:19 ‘m So Worried
SIDE TWO
- 12 I Bet You They Won’t Play This Song on the Radio :55 I Bet You They Won’t Play
- 13 Martyrdom of St. Victor 1:42 Martyrdom of St. Victor
- 14 Here Comes Another One 1:59 Here Comes Another One
- 15 Bookshop 4:24 Bookshop
- 16 Do What John :34 Do What John
- 17 Rock Notes 2:05 Rock Notes
- 18 Muddy Knees 2:17 Muddy Knees
- 19 Crocodile 2:35 Crocodile
- 20 Decomposing Composers 2:44 Decomposing Composers
- 21 Bells 2:23 Bells
- 22 Traffic Lights 1:56 Traffic Lights
- 23 All Things Dull and Ugly 1:29 All Things Dull and Ugly
- 24 A Scottish Farewell :25 A Scottish Farewell
BONUS
- 25 Contractual Obligation interview 15:42 Contractual Obligation
- 26 Medical Love Song (demo) :25 Medical Love Song
- 27 Radio Ad :25 Radio Ad
- 28 I’m So Worried :25 I’m So Worried
CREDITS
Backing Vocals – The Fred Tomlinson Singers
Cover, Sleeve, Design – Basil Pao
Directed By [Backing Vocals] – Fred Tomlinson
Engineer [With The Courageous Assistance Of] – Rob Briancourt
Lacquer Cut By – SNB*
Producer – Eric Idle
Producer [Assisted By], Engineer – André Jacquemin
Producer [Musical Production], Arranged By – Trevor Jones
SIDE ONE
SIT ON MY FACE Sit on My Face
Music traditional, words by Eric Idle
Sung by the Pythons
[brass band music, loud and bombastic]
Sit on my face and tell me that you love me
I’ll sit on your face and
Tell you I love you too
I love to hear you oralise
When I’m between your thighs
You blow me away!
Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you
I’ll sit on your face and then I’ll love you truly
Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine
If we sit on our faces
In all sorts of places
And play till we’re blown away!
ANNOUNCEMENT Announcement
Eric Idle
This record has been skillfully crafted by British comedians using ancient, well-worn, classical hand-tooled jokes. It has been specially designed to sit at the back of your record collection amongst the old Frank Sinatra albums, to be brought out and spit up when you get divorced. Any complaints about the humorous quality of this record should be addressed to British Airways, Ingraham’s Drive, Reddich.
HENRY KISSINGER Henry Kissinger
Written and sung by Eric Idle
[old-style, jazzy, crackly vocals]
Henry Kissinger
How I’m missing yer
You’re the Doctor of my dreams
With your crinkly hair and your glassy stare
And your machiavellian schemes
I know they say that you are very vain
And short and fat and pushy but at least you’re not insane
Henry Kissinger
How I’m missing yer
And wishing you were here
Henry Kissinger
How I’m missing yer
You’re so chubby and so neat
With your funny clothes and your squishy nose
You’re like a German parakeet
All right so people say that you don’t care
But you’ve got nicer legs than Hitler
And bigger tits than Cher
Henry Kissinger
How I’m missing yer
And wishing you were here
STRING String
Adrian Wapcaplet John Cleese
Mr. Simpson Eric Idle
[door opening]
Adrian Wapcaplet: Aah, come in, come in, Mr… Simpson. Aaah, welcome to Mousebat, Follicle, Goosecreature, Ampersand, Spong, Wapcaplet, Looseliver, Vendetta and Prang!
Mr. Simpson: Thank you.
Adrian Wapcaplet: Do sit down–my name’s Wapcaplet, Adrian Wapcaplet…
Mr. Simpson: how’d’y’do.
Adrian Wapcaplet: Now, Mr. Simpson… Simpson, Simpson… French, is it?
Mr. Simpson No.
Adrian Wapcaplet Ah. Now, I understand you want us to advertise your washing powder.
Mr. Simpson String.
Adrian Wapcaplet String, washing powder, what’s the difference. We can sell anything.
Mr. Simpson Good. Well I have this large quantity of string, a hundred and twenty- two thousand *miles* of it to be exact, which I inherited, and I thought if I advertised it —
Adrian Wapcaplet Of course! A national campaign. Useful stuff, string, no trouble there.
Mr. Simpson Ah, but there’s a snag, you see. Due to bad planning, the hundred and twenty-two thousand miles is in three inch lengths. So it’s not very useful.
Adrian Wapcaplet Well, that’s our selling point! “SIMPSON’S INDIVIDUAL STRINGETTES!”
Mr. Simpson What?
Adrian Wapcaplet “The NOW String! Ready cut, easy to handle, SIMPSON’S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR STRINGETTES – just the right length!”
Mr. Simpson For what?
Adrian Wapcaplet Um… “A Million Household Uses!”
Mr. Simpson Such as?
Adrian Wapcaplet Uhmm…Tying up very small parcels, attatching notes to pigeons’ legs, uh, destroying household pests…
Mr. Simpson Destroying household pests?! How?
Adrian Wapcaplet Well, if they’re bigger than a mouse, you can strangle them with it, and if they’re smaller then you flog them to death with it!
Mr. Simpson Well surely!…
Adrian Wapcaplet “Destroy 99% of known household pests with pre-sliced, rustproof, easy-to-handle, low-calorie SIMPSON’S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR STRINGETTES, free from artificial coloring, as used in hospitals!”
Mr. Simpson Hospitals??
Adrian Wapcaplet Have you ever in a hospital where they didn’t have string?
Mr. Simpson No, but it’s only *string*!
Adrian Wapcaplet ONLY STRING? It’s everything! It’s… it’s waterproof!
Mr. Simpson No it isn’t!
Adrian Wapcaplet All right, it’s water resistant then!
Mr. Simpson It isn’t!
Adrian Wapcaplet All right, it’s water absorbent! It’s… Super Absorbent String! “Absorb water today with SIMPSON’S INDIVIDUAL WATER ABSORB-A-TEX STRINGETTES! Away with floods!”
Mr. Simpson You just said it was waterproof!
Adrian Wapcaplet “Away with the dull drudgery of workaday tidal waves! Use SIMPSON’S INDIVIDUAL FLOOD PREVENTERS!”
Mr. Simpson You’re mad!
Adrian Wapcaplet Shut up, shut up, shut up, sex, sex, sex, must get sex into it. Wait, I see a television commercial – There’s this nude woman, in a bath, holding a bit of your string. That’s great, great, but we need a doctor, got to have a medical opinion. There’s a nude woman, in a bath, with a doctor – that’s too sexy. Put an archbishop there watching them, that’ll take the curse off it. Now, we need children and animals. There’s two kids admiring the string, and a dog admiring the archbishop who’s blessing the string. Uh… international flavor’s missing … make the archbishop Greek Orthodox. Why not Archbishop Macarios? No, no, he’s dead…. Nevermind, we’ll get his brother, it’ll be cheaper… So, there’s Archbishop Macarios’ brother and a-a doctor in this bath with this nude woman….
NEVER BE RUDE TO AN ARAB Never Be Rude to an Arab
Written and sung by Terry Jones
[pleasant wafting flutes, as to introduce an aria]
Never be rude to an Arab
An Israeli, or Saudi, or Jew
Never be rude to an Irishman
No matter what you do
Never poke fun at a Nigger
A Spic, or a Wop, or a Kraut
And never put down –
(EXPLOSION)
I LIKE CHINESE I Like Chinese
Written and sung by Eric Idle
[spoken]
The world today seems absolutely crackers.
With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high.
There’s fools and idiots sitting on the trigger.
It’s depressing, and it’s senseless, and that’s why…
[song begins]
I like Chinese
I like Chinese
They only come up to your knees
Yet they’re always friendly and they’re ready to please
I like Chinese (*pop*)
I like Chinese (drink filling in glass)
There’s 900 million of them in the world today
You’d better learn to like them, that’s what I say
I like Chinese
I like Chinese
They come from a long way overseas
But they’re cute, and they’re cuddly, and they’re ready to please
I like Chinese food
The waiters never are rude
Think of the many things they’ve done to impress
There’s Maoism, Taoism, I Ching, and Chess
So I like Chinese (chopsticks in background)
I like Chinese
I like their tiny little trees
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin and yang-ese
I like Chinese thought
The wisdom that Confucious taught
If Darwin is anything to shout about
The Chinese will survive us all without any doubt
So I like Chinese
I like Chinese
They only come up to your knees
Yet they’re wise, and they’re witty, and they’re ready to please
All together:
(in Chinese)
Wo ai Zhongguoren
Wo ai Zhongguoren
Wo ai Zhongguoren
Ni hao ma
Ni hao ma
Ni hao ma zhaijen!
I like Chinese
I like Chinese
Their food is guaranteed to please
A fourteen, a seven, a nine, and lychees (*ding*)
I like Chinese
I like Chinese
I like their tiny little trees
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin and yang-ese
I like Chinese
I like Chinese
They only come up to your knees…
(fade out)
BISHOP Bishop
Bishop Michael Palin
Engineer Eric Idle
John Graham Chapman
Senor Barrasby Terry Jones
[Spacey, atmospheric chords.]
Bishop It is the dawn of time. This earth we know so well is a smoldering, inhospitable wilderness. No plants grow. No creature can survive. The hard, implacable rocks that form our mountain ranges are being crushed and folded by forces which will take millions of years to shape them. These are the forces … this is the power … that drives the hand … that drinks TREADMILL, the MIGHTY LAGER, with the world’s first great taste of fish.
[Music dies out]
Engineer Bishop, don’t say ‘of fish.’
Bishop Hm?
Engineer Don’t say ‘of fish’ at the end, it doesn’t mean anything.
Bishop Ah, no, I see, fine, no ‘of fish,’ right?
Engineer Just go from ‘These are the forces.’
Bishop Right.
Engineer I’ll give you a green.
Bishop What?
Engineer I’ll give you a green light.
Bishop Oh. R-right. Thank you.
[Music sets in again]
These are the forces … this is the power … that drives the band …
[music dies out]
…that drinks…
Engineer Ahem.
Bishop Oh- oh, of course, sorry, sorry! Can’t think what came over me.
Engineer We’ll start again.
Bishop What?
Engineer We’ll start again, Bishop, same place.
Bishop Oh — right!
[music]
These are the forces … this is the power … that drives the hand … that drinks TREADMILL, the MIGHTY LAGER, with the world’s first great taste of fish.
[music dies out]
Ooh, damn! Sorry! Sorry!
Engineer All right, just a moment.
Bishop I’m terribly sorry, I remembered the ‘hand,’ but forgot the…
Engineer Yes, yes, that’s all right. John, can we edit out the ‘of fish?’
John Yeah.
Engineer Good. That’s fine, thank you Bishop.
Bishop All right, is it? Good. Terribly sorry about the silly slip, I don’t know what came over me.
[in next room]
Engineer Who is he?
John Bishop of Leicester, I think.
Engineer Well, why couldn’t we get Bath-and-Wells?
John He’s doing ‘Frozen Peas’ for Nigel.
Engineer Lucky bastard, he’s so good.
John Have you seen the Bishop of Wooster? Marvelous, he did an entire ‘Snippety-Dippety Gift Catalogue’ promo on one ski!
Engineer Really?
John Ssh!
Engineer Here she comes.
[door opening]
Bishop How was it, all right?
Engineer Marvelous.
John E-excellent.
Bishop Dawn of Time’s a bit of a mess…
Engineer Sorry?
Bishop Well, all that stuff about the ‘Dawn of Time’ and th-the rocks … developing over millions of years, you know, not quite… A-1 theory with our lot, you know.
Engineer It’s only a commercial.
Bishop Ooh, yes, yes, ‘course, ‘course, not criticizing! It’s just, um, well, I mean, uh, uh… not quite the creation as… we see it.
Engineer Well… goodbye.
Bishop Good, good, fine, and, um, and, ah, the check will be…?
Engineer With your agent on tuesday, Bishop.
Bishop Marvelous, marvelous, thank you so much. Oh, and, ah, sorry about the ‘of fish.’ …Will you be able to remove that, will you?
Engineer Yes, we can remove that.
Bishop Oh, good. Wonderful what you can do nowadays, eh?
Engineer Yes, indeed.
[longish pause]
Bishop Mm, well! Toodles…
[Door closes]
Employee Ahem… the doctors are here, Senor Barrasby.
Senor Barrasby Oh. Terrific…
MEDICAL LOVE SONG Medical Love Song
Music by Eric Idle and John Du Prez
Words by Graham Chapman and Eric Idle
Sung by Graham Chapman and company
Inflammation of the foreskin
Reminds me of your smile
I’ve had ballanital chancroids
For quite a little while
I gave my heart to NSU
That lovely night in June
I ache for you, my darling,
And I hope you’ll get well soon…
My penile warts, your herpes,
My syphilitic sores,
Your moenelial infection
How I miss you more and more
Your dobie’s itch, my scrumpox
Our lovely gonorrhea
At least we both were lying
When we said that we were queer
My clapped-out genitalia
Is not so bad for me
As the complete and utter failure
Every time I try to pee
I’m dying from your love my love
I’m your spirochital clown
I’ve left my body to science
But I’m afraid they’ve turned it down
Gonococcal urethritis
Streptococcal balanitis
Meningo myelitis
Diplococcal cephalitis
Epidydimitis
Interstitial keratitis
Syphilitic choroiditis
And anterior u-ve-i-tis…
FAREWELL TO JOHN DENVER Farewell to John Denver
Announcer Graham Chapman
John Denver Eric Idle
Announcer And now, the sound of John Denver being strangled.
[The opening chords of “Annie’s Song” are heard.]
John Denver You came on my pillow…. GAAAAAACCCCHHHHHHH….. koff…
Announcer Thank you.
FINLAND Finland
Written and sung by Michael Palin
[pleasant music plays]
Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I want to be
Pony trekking or camping
Or just watching TV
Finland, Finland, Finland
It’s the country for me
You’re so near to Russia
So far from Japan
Quite a long way from Cairo
Lots of miles from Vietnam
Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I want to be
Eating breakfast or dinner
Or snack lunch in the hall
Finland, Finland, Finland
Finland has it all
You’re so sadly neglected
And often ignored
A poor second to Belgium
When going abroad
Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I quite want to be
Your mountains so lofty
Your treetops so tall
Finland, Finland, Finland
Finland has it all
All together, Finophiles!!
Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I quite want to be
Your mountains so lofty
Your treetops so tall
Finland, Finland, Finland
Finland has it all
Finland has it all…
[spoken]
If you’ve enjoyed hearing this song and would like to know more about Finland, why not ring Mr. Griffiths of Hemill-Hampstead? He and his charming wife Edna would be glad to answer any of your questions, and – who knows? – may show you some of their unrivaled collection of Scandinavian credit cards.
I’M SO WORRIED ‘m So Worried
Written and sung by Terry Jones
[strings play]
I’m so worried about what’s happening today
In the Middle East, you know
And I’m so worried about
The baggage retrieval
System they’ve got at Heathrow
I’m so worried about the fashions today
I don’t think they’re good for your feet
And I’m so worried about
The shows on TV
That sometimes they want to repeat
I’m so worried about what’s
Happening today, you know
And I’m worried about
The baggage retrieval
System they’ve got at Heathrow
I’m so worried about
My hair falling out
And the state of the world today
And I’m so worried about
Being so full of doubt
About everything anyway
I’m so worried about modern technology-y
I’m so worried about all the things
That they dump in the sea-ea
I’m so worried about it
Worried about it
Worried, worried, worried…
I’m so worried about
Everything that can go wrong
I’m so worried about
Whether people like this song
I’m so worried about
The very next verse
It isn’t the best that I’ve got
And I’m so worried about whether I should go on
Or whether I shouldn’t just stop
…I’m so worried about
Whether I ought to have stopped
And I’m worried because
It’s the sort of thing I ought to know
And I’m so worried about
The baggage retrieval
System they’ve got at Heathrow
…I’m so worried about
Whether I should have stopped then
I’m so worried that I’m
Driving everyone around the bend
I’m worried about
The baggage retrieval
System they’ve got at Heathrow
BONUS
Contemporaneous interview with Terry Jones & Graham Chapman talking about the album
Engineer Ok chaps, this is Doctor’s Song demo, take one. Good luck, studio.
Inflammation of the foreskin
Reminds me of your smile
I’ve had ballanital chancroids
For quite a little while
I gave my heart to NSU
That lovely night in June
I ache for you, my darling,
And I hope you’ll get well soon…
My penile warts, your herpes,
My syphilitic sores,
Your moenelial infection
How I miss you more and more
Your dobie’s itch, my scrumpox
Our lovely gonorrhea
At least we both were lying
When we said that we were queer
(bonus version only)
(Our syphilitic kisses
Sealed the secret of our tryst
You gave me scrotal pustules
With a quick flick of your wrist
Your trichovaginitis
Sends shivers down my spine
I got snail tracks in my anus
When your spirochetes met mine)
Gonococcal urethritis
Streptococcal balanitis
Meningo myelitis
Diplococcal cephalitis
Epidydimitis
Interstitial keratitis
Syphilitic choroiditis
And anterior u-ve-i-tis.
My clapped-out genitalia
Is not so bad for me
As the complete and utter failure
Every time I try to pee
My doctor says my buboes
Are the worst he’s ever seen
My scrotum’s painted orange
And my balls are turning green
My heart is very tender
Though my parts are awful raw
You might have been infected
But you never were a bore
I’m dying from your love, my love,
I’m your spirochaetal clown
I’ve left my body to science,
But I’m afraid they’ve turned it down
Gonococcal urethritis
Streptococcal balanitis
Meningo myelitis
Diplococcal cephalitis
Epidydimitis
Interstitial keratitis
Syphilitic choroiditis
And anterior u-ve-i-tis…
(fanfare)
John Cleese Why not buy the new Monty Python gramophone album titled Monty Python’s Contractual Album now? Well, I don’t know you’re tied up for a few minutes or you’re not the old record follower(?), or perhaps you think the Monty Python group are untalented, overpaid and boring, or perhaps you’ve already got it, I mean how should I know? It’s ridiculous. Anyway, sorry this is such a bad commericial. At least it’s better than the record. No, um I didn’t mean that. I mean the Monty Python Contractual Obligation album is at least as good as this commercial, really. It’s not bad.
I’m so worried about what’s happening today
In the Middle East, you know
And I’m so worried about
The baggage retrieval
System they’ve got at Heathrow
I’m so worried about the fashions today
I don’t think they’re good for your feet
And I’m so worried about
The shows on TV
That sometimes they want to repeat
I’m so worried about modern technology-y
I’m so worried about all the things
That they dump in the sea-ea
I’m so worried about
My hair falling out
And the state of the world today
And I’m so worried about
Being so full of doubt
About everything anyway
I’m so worried about
Everything that can go wrong
I’m so worried about
Whether people like this song
I’m so worried about
The very next verse
It isn’t the best that I’ve got
And I’m so worried about whether I should go on
Or whether I shouldn’t just stop
…I’m so worried about
Whether I ought to have stopped
And I’m worried because
It’s the sort of thing I ought to know
And I’m so worried about
The baggage retrieval
System they’ve got at Heathrow
…I’m so worried about
Whether I should have stopped then
I’m so worried that I’m
Driving everyone around the bend
I’m worried about
The baggage retrieval
System they’ve got at Heathrow
SIDE TWO
I BET THEY WON’T PLAY THIS SONG ON THE RADIO I Bet You They Won’t Play This Song
Written and sung by Eric Idle
[catchy music plays]
I bet you they won’t play this song on the radio
I bet you they won’t play this new (*beep*) song
It’s not that it’s (&heeeeh&)
Or (^honk honk^) controversial
Just that the (%bing%)ing words are awfully strong
You can’t say (#awoooga#) on the radio
Or (@skip@)
Or (~thunk~)
Or (!AARRRGH!)
You can’t even say I’d like to (+twirl+) you some day
Unless you’re a doctor with a very large (*boing*)
So I bet you they won’t play this song on the radio
I bet you they daren’t (::scratch::)ing well program it
I bet you the ($chi-ching$)ing old program directors
Will think it’s a load of horse (poot)
MARTYRDOM OF ST. VICTOR Martyrdom of St. Victor
Vicar Michael Palin
[spoken as a Church sermon]
And it came to pass that Saint Victor was taken from this place to another place, where he was lain upon pillows of silk and made to rest himself amongst sheets of muslin and velvet. And there stroked was he by maidens of the Orient.
For sixteen days and nights stroked they him, yea verily, and caressed him. His hair ruffled they. And their fingers rubbethed they in oil of olives, and ranneth them across all parts of his body for as much as to soothe him.
And the soles of his feet licked they. And the upper parts of his thigh did they anoint with the balm of forbidden trees. And with the teeth of their mouths, nibbled they the pointed bits at the top of his ears, yea verily, and did their tongues thereof make themselves acquainted with his most secret places.
For fifteen days and nights did Victor withstand these maidens, but on the sixteenth day he cried out, saying:
“This… is fantastic. Oh, this is terrific.”
And the Lord did hear the cry of Victor. And verily came He down and slew the maidens, and caused their cottonwool bras to blow away, and their Kleenex to be laid waste utterly.
And Victor, in his anguish, cried out that the Lord was a rotten bastard. So the Lord sent an angel to comfort Victor for the weekend. And entered they together the jaccuzzi. Here endeth the lesson.
HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE Here Comes Another One
Words and music by Eric Idle
Singer Terry Jones
Recording Exec Eric Idle
[an awful, tuneless song, without music, sung excruciatingly slowly by an awful, nasal voice]
Singer
Here comes another one
Here it comes again
Here comes another one
When will it ever end?
I know whatever it is
I’ve not seen one before
But here comes another one
And here comes a bunch of ’em
Here comes another one
Thank God I’m not having lunch with them
Recording Exec Um, that’s it, is it?
Singer Well, obviously it would be better with a full orchestra…
Recording Exec Y-yes, I suppose it would.
[A reprise is then done in disco format. The music blares and pulsates. The nasal voice remains.]
Singer
Here comes another one
Here it comes again
Here comes another one
When will it ever end?
Country Western version, same nasal voice, deeper with country twang]
Singer
Here comes another one
Here it comes again
Here comes another one
When will it ever end?
BOOKSHOP Bookshop
Customer Terry Jones
Proprietor John Cleese
(sound of small tinkle bell ringing as door opens)
Customer Good morning.
Proprietor Good morning, sir. Can I help you?
Customer Er, yes. Do you have a copy of “Thirty Days in the Samarkind Desert with the Duchess of Kent” by A. E. J. Eliott, O.B.E.?
Proprietor Ah, well, I don’t know the book, sir….
Customer Er, never mind, never mind. How about “101 Ways to Start a Fight”?
Proprietor …By?
Customer An Irish gentleman whose name eludes me for the moment.
Proprietor Ah, no, well we haven’t got it in stock, sir….
Customer Oh, well, not to worry, not to worry. Can you help me with “David Coperfield?”
Proprietor Ah, yes, Dickens.
Customer No….
Proprietor (pause) I beg your pardon?
Customer No, Edmund Wells.
Proprietor I… think you’ll find Charles Dickens wrote “David Copperfield”, sir…
Customer No, no, Dickens wrote “David Copperfield” with two Ps. This is “David Coperfield” with one P by Edmund Wells.
Proprietor “David Coperfield” with one P?
Customer Yes, I should have said.
Proprietor Yes, well in that case we don’t have it.
Customer Funny, you’ve got a lot of books here….
Proprietor (slightly perturbed) Yes, we do, but we don’t have “David Coperfield” with one P by Edmund Wells.
Customer Pity, it’s more thorough than the Dickens.
Proprietor More THOROUGH?
Customer Yes…I wonder if it might be worth a look through all your “David Copperfields”…
Proprietor No, sir, all our “David Copperfields” have two P’s.
Customer Are you quite sure?
Proprietor Quite.
Customer Not worth just looking?
Proprietor Definitely not.
Customer Oh… how ’bout “Grate Expectations?”
Proprietor Yes, well we have that….
Customer That’s “G-R-A-T-E Expectations,” also by Edmund Wells.
Proprietor (pause) Yes, well in that case we don’t have it. We don’t have anything by Edmund Wells, actually… he’s not very popular.
Customer Not “Knickerless Knickleby”? That’s K-N-I-C-K-E-R-L-E-S-S.
Proprietor (taciturn) No.
Customer “Khristmas Karol” with a K?
Proprietor (really quite perturbed) No….
Customer Er, how about “A Sale of Two Titties”?
Proprietor Definitely NOT.
Customer (leaving) Sorry to trouble you….
Proprietor Not at all….
Customer Good morning.
Proprietor Good morning.
Customer (turning around) Oh!
Proprietor (deep breath) … Yes?
Customer I wonder if you might have a copy of “Rarnaby Budge”?
Proprietor No, as I say, we’re right out of Edmund Wells!
Customer No, not Edmund Wells – Charles Dikkens.
Proprietor (pause – eagerly) Charles Dickens ??
Customer Yes.
Proprietor (excitedly) You mean “Barnaby Rudge”!
Customer No, “Rarnaby Budge” by Charles Dikkens. That’s ‘Dikkens’ with two Ks, the well-known Dutch author.
Proprietor (slight pause) No, well we don’t have “Rarnaby Budge” by Charles Dikkens with two Ks, the well-known Dutch author, and perhaps to save time I should add that we don’t have “Karnaby Fudge” by Darles Chickens, or “Farmer of Sludge” by Marles Pickens, or even “Stickwick Stapers” by Farles Wickens with four M’s and a silent Q !! Why don’t you try W. H. Smith’s?
Customer I did; they sent me here.
Proprietor DID they.
Customer Oh, I wonder…
Proprietor Oh, do go on, please!
Customer I…I wonder if you might have “The Amazing Adventures of Captain Gladys Stoat-Pamphlet and her Intrepid Spaniel Stig Amongst the Giant Pygmies of Beckles”…Volume Eight.
Proprietor (after a pause for recovery) No, we don’t have that… funny, we’ve got a lot of books here… well, I musn’t keep you standing here… thank you–
Customer Oh, well d-do you have —
Proprietor No, we haven’t. No, we haven’t.
Customer B-b-b-but–
Proprietor Sorry, no, it’s one o’clock now, we’re closing for lunch–
Customer Ah, I–I saw it–
Proprietor I’m sorry–
Customer I saw it over there! I saw it…
Proprietor What? What? WHAT?!?
Customer I saw it over there: “Olsen’s Standard Book of British Birds.”
Proprietor (pause, trying to stay calm) “Olsen’s Standard Book of British Birds?”
Customer Yes…
Proprietor O-L-S-E-N?
Customer Yes….
Proprietor B-I-R-D-S??
Customer Yes…..
Proprietor (beat) Yes, well, we do have that, as a matter of fact….
Customer The expurgated version….
Proprietor (pause, politely) …I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.
Customer The expurgated version.
Proprietor (exploding) The EXPURGATED version of “Olsen’s Standard Book of British Birds???”
Customer The one without the gannet.
Proprietor The one without the gannet-! They’ve ALL got the gannet! It’s a Standard British Bird, the gannet, it’s in ALL the books !!
Customer (insistent) Well, I don’t like them… th-they wet their nests.
Proprietor (furious) All right, I’ll REMOVE it !! (sounds of paper ripping) Any other birds you don’t like ?!
Customer I don’t like the robin …
Proprietor (screaming) The robin! Right! The robin! (sound of paper ripping) There you are, any others you don’t like, any others???
Customer The nuthatch…
Proprietor RIGHT! (flipping through the book) The nuthatch, the nuthatch, the nuthatch, here we are! (ripping) There you are! NO gannets, NO robins, NO nuthatches, THERE’s your book!
Customer (indignant) I can’t buy that, it’s torn!
Proprietor (Incoherent growling)
Customer Ah, I wonder if you have–
Proprietor GO ON, ask me ANYTHING ! We got lots of books here, you know, it’s a bookshop !!
Customer Er, how ’bout “Biggles Combs his Hair?”
Proprietor No, no, we don’t have that one, funny!
Customer “The Gospel According to Charley Drake”?
Proprietor No, no, no, try me again!
Customer Ah…oh, I know! “Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying”.
Proprietor No, no, no, no, no … What? WHAT ???
Customer “Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying”.
Proprietor “Ethel the Aa–” YES!! YES!! WE’VE GOT IT!! (throwing books wildly about) I-I’ve seen it somewhere !! I know it !! (laughs like a madman) HAHAHAHA! RRMRAMAGAGAA — WAIT! WAIT !! Is it ?? Is it ?? (triumphant) YES !!! Here we are, “Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying!” There’s your book … NOW, BUY IT.
Customer (quickly) I don’t have enough money.
Proprietor (desperate) I’ll take a deposit!
Customer I don’t have ANY money!
Proprietor I’ll take a check!
Customer I don’t have a checkbook!
Proprietor I’ve got a blank one!
Customer I don’t have a bank account!
Proprietor RIGHT !! I’ll buy it FOR you! (cash register sounds) There we are, there’s your change, there’s some money for a taxi on the way home, there’s your book, now, now …
Customer Wait, wait, wait!
Proprietor What? What?!? WHAT?!? WHAT???!!
Customer I can’t read !! (staggeringly long pause)
Proprietor (very quietly) You can’t… read. (pause) RIGHT !! Sit down!! Sit down!! Sit!! Sit!! Are you sitting comfortably… right !!! (opens book) “Ethel the Aardvark was hopping down the river valley one lovely morning, trottety-trottety-trottety, when she met a nice little quantity surveyor…” (fade out)
DO WHAT JOHN Do What John
Words and music by Eric Idle
Sung by the Pythons
[catchy music plays]
Do what John? Do what John?
Come again, do what?
Do what John? Do what John?
Do what? Do what? Do what?
Do where John? Do where John?
Wiv what, wiv whom and when?
T’rific, really t’rific
Pardon? Come again?
Do what John? Do what John?
Come again, do what?
Do what John? Do what John?
Do what? Do what? Do what?
Do where John? Do where John?
Wiv what, wiv whom and when?
T’rific, really t’rific
Pardon? Come again?
ROCK NOTES Rock Notes
Reporter Eric Idle
Caller Terry Jones
Reporter Rex Stardust, lead electric triangle with Toad the Wet Sprocket, has had to have an elbow removed following their recent successful worldwide tour of Finland. Flamboyant, ambidextrous Rex apparently fell off the back of a motorcycle. “Fell off the back of a motorcyclist, most likely,” quipped ace drummer Jumbo McCluney upon hearing of the accident.
Plans are already afoot for a major tour of Iceland.
Divorced after only eight minutes, popular television singing star, Charisma, changed her mind on the way out of the registry office, when she realized she had married one of the Donkeys by mistake. The evening before in LA’s glittering nightspot, the Abbatoir, she had proposed to drummer Reg Abbot of Blind Drunk, after a whirlwind romance and a knee-trembler. But when the hangover lifted, it was Keith Sly of the Donkeys who was on her arm in the registry office. Keith, who was too ill to notice, remained unsteady during the short ceremony and when asked to exchange vows, began to recite names and addresses of people who also used the stuff. Charisma spotted the error as Keith was being carried into the wedding ambulance and became emotionally upset. However, the mistake was soon cleared up, and she stayed long enough to consummate their divorce.
Dead Monkeys are to split up again, according to their manager, Lefty Goldblatt. They’ve been in the business now ten years, nine as other groups. Originally the Dead Salmon, they became for a while, Trout. Then Fried Trout, then Poached Trout In A White Wine Sauce, and finally, Herring. Splitting up for nearly a month, the re-formed as Red Herring, which became Dead Herring for a while, and then Dead Loss, which reflected the current state of the group. Splitting up again to get their heads together, they reformed a fortnight later as Heads Together, a tight little name which lasted them through a difficult period when their drummer was suspected of suffering from death.
It turned out to be only a rumor and they became Dead Together, then Dead Gear, which lead to Dead Donkeys, Lead Donkeys, and the inevitable split up. After nearly ten days, they peformed again as Sole Manier, then Dead Sole, Rock Cod, Turbot, Haddock, White Baith, the Places, Fish, Bream, Mackerel, Salmon, Poached Salmon, Poached Salmon In A White Wine Sauce, Salmon Manier, and Helen Shapiro. This last name, their favorite, had to be dropped following an injunction and they split up again. When they reformed after a recordbreaking two days, they ditched the fishy references and became Dead Monkeys, a name which they stuck with for the rest of their careers. Now, a fortnight later, they’ve finally split up.
(telephone ringing)
Uh oh… Hello?
Caller Hello?
Reporter Yes?
Caller What do you think of ‘Dead Duck?’
Reporter What do I think of ‘Dead Duck?’
Caller or ‘Lobster?’
Reporter ‘Lobster?’..
MUDDY KNEES Muddy Knees
Written and sung by Terry Jones
[sung in the soulful manner of a gospel song, perhaps, or a plantation spiritual.]
Muddy knees have got me all a-quiver.
Muddy knees have got me all aglow.
Muddy knees have sent me for a paper
To a newsagent’s near here I know.
[spoken]
Muddy knees… have set me all a-quiver.
Muddy knees… have got me all aglow.
Muddy knees have sent me for a paper
To a newsagent’s… near here… that I know.
[sung weeping]
Muddy knees have got me all a-quiver.
Muddy knees! Have got me all aglow.
Those muddy knees! Have sent me for a paper!
To a newsagent’s near here that I know.
[tempo picks up]
Them muddy knees
Them muddy knees!
Them muddy knees
Them muddy knees!
Them muddy knees
(them muddy knees)
Have got me all a-quiver!
(them muddy knees)
Them muddy knees
(them muddy knees)
Have got me all aglow!
Them muddy knees
(them muddy knees)
Have sent me for a paper…
CROCODILE Crocodile
Newscaster Eric Idle
Brian Goebbels Michael Palin
Reporter Michael Palin
Barry Loathsome Eric Idle
Sgt Maj Harold Duke Terry Jones
Gavin Worolowe Michael Palin
(Background musi Customer Sportscast intro)
Newscaster And right now it’s time for athletics, and over to Brian Goebbels in Paris.
Goebbels Hello, well, you join us here in Paris just a few minutes before the start of today’s big event: the final of the Men’s Being-Eaten-By-A-Crocodile event. I’m standing now by the crocodile pit where – AAAAAAHHHHH!
(SFX: Crocodiles eating, crunching, French exclamations and sirens)
Reporter Ah. Well, I’m afraid we’ve lost Brian Goebbels… While they’re sorting that out, we have a report from Barry Loathsome in Loughtborough on the British preparations for this most important event.
Loathsome Here at Loughtborough are the five young men chosen last week to be eaten by a crocodile for Britain this summer. Obviously, the most important part of the event is the opening 60 yard sprint towards the crocs, and twenty-two year old Nottingham school teacher Gavin Worolowe is rated by some not only the fastest but also the tastiest British morsel since Barry Gordon got a bronze at Helsinki. In charge of the team is Sergeant Major Harold Duke.
Duke No, no, you not only got to get in that pit first, you gotta get EATEN first! When you land in front of your croc, and ‘e opens his mouth, I wanna see you right in there! Rub your ‘ead up against ‘is taste buds. And when those teeth bite into your flesh, use the perches to thrust yourself DOWN his throat…
Loathsome Duke’s trained every British team since 1928, and it’s his blend of gymnastic knowhow, reptilian expertise and culinary skill that’s turned many an un-appetizing novice into a crocodilic banquet.
Duke Well, our chefs have been experimenting for many years to find a sauce most likely to tempt the crocodile. In the past, we’ve concentrated on a fish-based delutee sauce, but this year, we are reverting to a simple bournaise.
Loathsome The British team are worried because Olympic regulations allow only the competitor’s heads to be sauced. Gavin Worolowe…
Worolowe Yes, well, I mean, errm, you know, four years ago, everyone knew the Italians were coating the insides of their legs with bournaise, the Russians have been marinating themselves – one of the Germans, Biolet, was caught actually putting, uh, remolade down his shorts! And the Finns were using tomato flavoured running shoes. Uh, I think there should either be unrestricted garnishing, or a single, Olympic standard mayonnaise.
Loathsome Gavin, does it ever worry you that you’re actually going to be chewed up by a bloody great crocodile?
Morolowe The only thing that worries me, Jim, is being the first one down that gullet.
Loathsome Well, the way things are going here at Loughtborough, it looks as though Britain could easily pick up a place in the first seven hundred. But nothing’s predictable in this tough, harsh, highly competitive world where today’s champion is tomorrow’s crocodile shit. And back to you, in the studio, Norman.
DECOMPOSING COMPOSERS Decomposing Composers
Written and sung by Michael Palin
[spoken]
Well, erm, yeah, darlin’, I’ll be home about 8:30. No, I’ll go on a bike.
[sung]
Beethoven’s gone, but his music lives on
And Mozart don’t go shopping no more
You’ll never meet Liszt or Brahms again
And Elgar doesn’t answer the door
Shubert and Chopin used to chuckle and laugh
Whilst composing a long symphony
But one hundred and fifty years later
There’s very little of them left to see
They’re decomposing composers
There’s nothing much anyone can do
You can still hear Beethoven
But Beethoven cannot hear you
(rather warped section of Beethoven’s Fifth)
Handel and Hayden and Rachmaninoff
Enjoyed a nice drink with their meal
But now-a-days no one will serve them
And their gravy is left to congeal
Verdi and Wagner delighted the crowds
With their highly original sound
The pianos they played are still working
But they’re both six feet under ground
They’re decomposing composers
There’s less of them every year
You can say what you like to Debussy
But there’s not much of him left to hear
Claude Achille Debussy, Died 1918.
Cristophe Willibald Gluck, Died 1787.
Karl Maria Von Weber, not at all well 1825, died 1826.
Giacomo Meyerbeer, still alive 1863, not still alive 1864.
Modest Mussorgsky, 1880 going to parties, no fun anymore 1881.
Johan Nepomuk Hummel, chatting away nineteen to the dozen with his mates down at the pub every evening 1836… 1837, nothing.
BELLS Bells
Man Graham Chapman
Wife Terry Jones
(Sound: Church bells, lots of them, ringing.)
-Man I wish those bloody bells would stop.
Wife Oh, it’s quite nice dear, it’s Sunday, it’s the church.
Man What about us atheists? Why should we ‘ave to listen to that sectarian turmoil?
Wife You’re a lapsed atheist, dear.
Man The principle’s the same. Bleedin’ C. of E… The Mohammedans don’t come ’round here wavin’ bells at us! We don’t get Buddhists playing bagpipes in our bathroom! Or Hindus harmonizing in the hall! The Shintos don’t come here shattering sheet glass in the shithouse, shouting slogans-
Wife All right, don’t practice your alliteration on me.
Man Anyway, when I get my membership card and blazer badge back from the League of Agnostics, I shall urge the executive to lodge a protest against that religious racket! Pass the butter knife!
Wife WHAT??
Man PASS THE BUTTER KNIFE!! (pause) THANK YOU! IF ONLY WE HAD SOME KIND OF MISSILE!
Wife ‘ANG ON, I’LL CLOSE THE WINDOW.
Man WHAT?!
Wife I SAID, I’LL CLOSE THE WINDOW!
(Sound: Window closing, bells get faint, but are still there)
Man If only we had some kind of missile, we could take the steam out of those bells. Wife Well, you could always use the #14 St. Joseph-the-Somewhat-Divine-on-the-Hill ballistic missile. It’s in the attic.
Man What ballistic missile would this be, then?
(Sound: Bells begin to get increasingly louder)
Wife I made it for you, it’s your birthday present!
Man Just what I wanted, ‘ow nice of you to remember, my pet. ‘ERE!
Wife WHAT?
Man THOSE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER!
Wife WHAT?
Man THOSE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER!!
Wife THE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER! OOOH, LOOK!
Man WHAT?
Wife THE CHURCH, IT.. IT’S COMING CLOSER! ITS COMING DOWN THE ‘ILL!
Man WHAT A LIBERTY!
Wife ITS TURNING INTO OUR LANE!
Man STRAIGHT THROUGH THE LIGHTS OF COURSE!
Wife TYPICAL! WELL, YOU BETTER GO PUT IT OUT OF ITS MISERY!
Man WHERE’S THIS MISSILE, THEN?
Wife IT’S IN THE ATTIC CUPBOARD! PRESS THE BUTTON MARKED ‘CHURCH!’
Man ‘OW DO I AIM IT?
Wife OH, IT AUTOMATICALLY HOMES IN ON THE NEAREST PLACE OF WORSHIP!
Man THAT’S ST. MARKS!
Wife IT ISN’T NOW, LOOK!! OH, ITS OP’NING THE GATE.
Man WHAT? USE THE MEGAPHONE!
Wife IT’S OP’NING THE GATE!!
Man I’LL HOP UP THE ATTIC CUPBOARD!
Wife HURRY UP, ITS TRAMPLING OVER THE AZALIAS!
(Sound: Missile launch, explosion, bells die out) Did I hit it?
Wife Yes, right up the aisle.
Man Well I’ve always said, There’s nothing an agnostic can’t do if he really doesn’t know whether he believes in anything or not.
TRAFFIC LIGHTS Traffic Lights
Written and sung by Terry Jones
[odd tuneless song sung by one somewhat bored-sounding man]
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
No matter where they’ve been
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
But only when they’re green
[he is joined by an odd and even more bored-sounding chorus]
Chorus:
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
No matter where they’ve been
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
But only when they’re green
Solo:
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
That is what I said
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
But not when they are red
Chorus:
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
That is what he said
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
But not when they are red
Solo:
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
Although my name’s not Bamber
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I… Oh God …
ALL THINGS DULL AND UGLY All Things Dull and Ugly
Music “All Things Bright and Beautiful” by William Henry Monk
Words by Eric Idle
[sung by a Churchish young boys’ choir]
All things dull and ugly
All creatures short and squat
All things rude and nasty
The Lord God made the lot
Each little snake that poisons
Each little wasp that stings
He made their brutish venom
He made their horrid wings
All things sick and cancerous
All evil great and small
All things foul and dangerous
The Lord God made them all
Each nasty little hornet
Each beastly little squid
Who made the spikey urchin
Who made the sharks? He did!
All things scabbed and ulcerous
All pox both great and small
Putrid, foul and gangrenous
The Lord God made them all
AMEN.
SCOTTISH FAREWELL A Scottish Farewell
Sung by John Cleese
[bagpipes]
Heeeeeeere comes another one…. AAAGGHHH!!!
[:: GUNSHOTS ::]