Monty Python Sings
Monty Python Sings (1981)
The album contained two previously unreleased tracks; “Oliver Cromwell” (first performed by John Cleese on the 1960s radio series I’m Sorry I’ll Read That Again) was recorded during sessions for Monty Python’s Contractual Obligation Album in 1980 while a studio recording of Terry Gilliam’s live standard “I’ve Got Two Legs” was recorded in 1974 for the Drury Lane shows, where it was to be mimed onstage, but discarded once Gilliam decided to perform it live instead.
The album also has a longer version of “Medical Love Song” with added instrumentation and previously unheard verses which mix out Eric Idle’s guide vocals and push Graham Chapman’s lead vocal to the forefront. The remixes of “Sit On My Face” and the extended “Henry Kissinger” from The Final Rip Off were also used as well as a new mix of Bruces’ Philosophers Song (Bruces’ Song) and a remix of the 1975 George Harrison-produced single version of “The Lumberjack Song”, with some alternate vocal takes.
This was the first compilation to include tracks from the Life of Brian and The Meaning of Life soundtracks, albeit in remixed form. “Every Sperm Is Sacred” is the extended version, previously only available on the b-side of the 7″ single of “Galaxy Song”.
The cover design by Terry Gilliam marked his first original album artwork since 1977’s Instant Record Collection. The original vinyl release contained a booklet featuring illustrated lyrics to all the songs.
The album was released in memory of Graham Chapman, who died two months before its release.
SIDE ONE
- 01 Always Look on the Bright Side of Life 3:33 Always
- 02 Sit on My Face :45 Sit
- 03 Lumberjack Song 3:20 Lumber
- 04 Penis Song :41 Penis
- 05 Oliver Cromwell 4:10 Oliver
- 06 Money Song :52 Money
- 07 Accountancy Shanty 1:16 Accountancy
- 08 Finland Song 2:01 Finland
- 09 Medical Love Song 3:31 Medical
- 10 I’m So Worried 2:57 Worried
SIDE TWO
- 11 Every Sperm Is Sacred 4:34 Sperm
- 12 Never Be Rude to an Arab 1:00 Arab
- 13 I Like Chinese 3:10 Chinese
- 14 Eric the Half a Bee 2:06 Eric
- 15 Brian Song 2:35 Brian
- 16 Bruces’ Song :52 Bruce
- 17 Meaning of Life 2:15 Meaning
- 18 Camelot 1:06 Camelot
- 19 All Things Dull and Ugly 1:33 All Things
- 20 Decomposing Composers 2:48 Decompose
- 21 Henry Kissinger 1:28 Henry
- 22 I’ve Got Two Legs :33 Legs
- 23 Christmas in Heaven 2:45 Christmas
- 24 Galaxy Song 2:41 Galaxy
- 25 Spam Song :32 Spam
CREDITS
Arranged by Fred Tomlinson, John Altman, John Du Prez, Mike McNaught, Neil Innes
Engineered & mixed by Andre Jacquemin
Assisted by James Saunders
Performers and writers – Eric Idle, Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Michael Palin, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones
Produced by Andre Jacquemin and Eric Idle
Various songs from Monty Python shows and movies.
Included 20-page booklet contained the full lyrics.
Music from Track 5 taken from Polonaise No. 6 Op. S3 in Ab.
SIDE ONE
01 Always Look on the Bright Side of Life 3:33 Always
Music, lyrics and sung by Eric Idle
From Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
Don’t grumble, give a whistle
And this’ll help things turn out for the best …
And … (music slides into the song)
Always look on the bright side of life …
(whistle)
Always look on the bright side of life …
(whistle)
If life seems jolly rotten
There’s something you’ve forgotten
And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing
When you’re feeling in the dumps
Don’t be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle _ that’s the thing.
And …
Always look on the bright side of life …
(whistle)
Come on.
(others start to join in)
Always look on the bright side of life …
(whistle)
For life is quite absurd
And death’s the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin
Give the audience a grin
Enjoy it, it’s your last chance anyhow.
So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath
Life’s a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true
You’ll see it’s all a show
Keep ’em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you
And always look on the bright side of life …
(whistle)
Always look on the bright side of life …
(whistle)
Come on guys, cheer up.
Always look on the bright side of life …
Always look on the bright side of life …
Worse things happen at sea, you know.
Always look on the bright side of life …
I mean, what have you got to loose?
You know, you come from nothing
You’re going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!
Always look on the bright side of life …
(fade)
02 Sit on My Face :45 Sit
Lyrics – Eric Idle
Music – Harry Parr Davies
Arranger – John Du Prez
From Monty Python’s Contractual Obligation Album
Sit on my face and tell me that you love me
I’ll sit on your face and tell you I love you too
I love to hear you o-ra-lise
When I’m between your thighs
You blow me away.
Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you
I’ll sit on your face and then I’ll love you truly
Life can be fine if we both sixty nine
If we sit on our faces
In all sorts of places
And play till we’re blown away.
03 Lumberjack Song 3:20 Lumber
Words & Music – Terry Jones & Michael Palin
Arranger – Fred Tomlinson
From
Originally from MPFC season 1 episode 9 sketch 5
Lumberjack Michael Palin
Mounties Fred Tomlinson Singers
Lumberjack
I’m a lumberjack
And I’m O.K.
I sleep all night
And I work all day.
Mounties
He’s a lumberjack
And he’s O.K.
He sleeps all night
And he works all day.
Lumberjack
I cut down trees
I eat my lunch
I go to the Lavotory
On Wednesday’s I go shopping
And have buttered scones for tea.
Mounties
He cuts down trees
He eats his lunch
He goes to the Lavotory
On Wednesday’s he goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea.
He’s a lumberjack
And he’s O.K.
He sleeps all night
And he works all day.
Lumberjack
I cut down trees
I skip and jump
I like to press wild flowers
I put on women’s clothing
And hang around in bars.
Mounties
He cuts down trees
He skips and jumps
He likes to press wild flowers
He puts on women’s clothing
And hangs around in bars
He’s a lumberjack
And he’s O.K.
He sleeps all night
And he works all day.
Lumberjack
I cut down trees
I wear high heels
Suspendies and a bra
I wish I’d been a girlie
Just like my dear pappa.
Mounties
He cuts down trees
He wears high heels
Suspendies … and a bra?
He’s a lumberjack
And he’s O K A Y
He sleeps all night
And he works all day.
He’s a lumberjack
And he’s O K A Y
He sleeps all night
And he works all day.
He sleeps all night
And he works all day.
04 Penis Song :41 Penis
Music, lyrics and performed by – Eric Idle
From Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life
(spoken)
Good evening ladies and gentlemen.
Here’s a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean.
(sung
Isn’t it awfully nice to have a penis,
Isn’t it frightfully good to have a dong?
It’s swell to have a stiffy,
It’s divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger,
To the world’s biggest prick.
So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas,
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife’s best friend,
Your Percy or your cock,
You can wrap it up in ribbons,
You can slip it in your sock,
But don’t take it out in public,
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won’t come back.
05 Oliver Cromwell 4:10 Oliver
Music – Polonaise No. 6 in Ab by Frederic Chopin
Lyrics and singer – John Cleese
Outtake from Monty Python’s Contractual Obligation Album
John Cleese (spoken) The most interesting thing about King Charles I is that he was 5’6″ tall at the start of the reign, but only 4’8″ tall at the end of it… because of
All (singing begins
Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England.
PURITAN
Born in 1599 and died in 1658
SEPTEMBER
Was at first
ONLY
MP for Huntingdon
BUT THEN
He led the Ironside Cavalry at Marston Moor in 1644 and won
Then he founded the new model army
And praise be, beat the Cavaliers at Naisby
And the King fled up North, like a bat to the Scots.
Eric Idle (spoken) But under the terms of John Pimm’s solemn league and covenant, the Scots handed King Charles over to…
All (singing begins
Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England
AND HIS WARTS
Born in 1599 and died in 1658
SEPTEMBER
But alas
OY VAY!
Disagreement then broke out
BETWEEN
The Presbyterian Parliament
And the Military who meant
To have an independent bent.
And so …
The 2nd Civil War broke out
And the Roundhead ranks
Faced the Cavaliers at Preston banks
And the King lost again, silly thing
STUPID GIT
Eric Idle (spoken) And Cromwell sent Colonel Pride to purge the House of Commons of the Presbyterian Royalists, leaving behind only the reump parliament…
John Cleese (singing begins
Which appointed a High Court at Westminster Hall
To indict Charles I for … tyranny
All OOOHHH!
Charles was sentenced to death
Even though he refused to accept
That the court had … jurisdiction
All SAY GOODBYE TO HIS HEAD.
Poor King Charles laid his head on the block
JANUARY 1649
Down came the axe, and …
Eric Idle (spoken) In the Silence that followed, the only sound that could be heard was a solitary giggle, from
John Cleese (singing begins
Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England
OLE
Born in 1599 and died in 1658
All SEPTEMBER
Then he smashed
All IRELAND
Set up the Commonwealth
All AND MORE
He crushed the Scots at Worcester
And beat the Dutch at sea
In 1653 and then
He dissolved the rump Parliament
And with Lambert’s consent
Wrote the instrument of Government
Under which Oliver was Protector at last
The end.
06 Money Song :52 Money
Written & Sung by Eric Idle
From Monty Python’s Previous Record
I’ve got ninety thousand pounds in my pyjamas.
I’ve got forty thousand French francs in my fridge.
I’ve got lots of lovely lire.
Now the Deutschmark’s getting dearer,
And my dollar bills would buy the Brooklyn Bridge.
There is nothing quite as wonderful as money.
There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash.
Some people say it’s folly,
But I’d rather have the lolly.
With money you can make a splash.
There is nothing quite as wonderful as money (Money, money, money, money)
There is nothing like a newly minted pound (Money, money, money, money)
Everyone must hanker
For the butchness of a banker.
It’s accountancy that makes the world go ’round (’round, ’round, ’round)
You can keep your Marxist ways,
For it’s only just a phase,
For it’s money, money, money makes the world go ’round.
(Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, moneeeeey!)
07 Accountancy Shanty 1:16 Accountancy
Words & Music – Eric Idle, John Du Prez
From Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life
Pirates It’s fun to charter an accountant
And sail the wide accountan-cy,
To find, explore the funds offshore
And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy.
It can be manly in insurance:
We’ll up your premium semi-annually,
It’s all tax-deductible,
We’re fairly incorruptible,
We’re sailing on the wide accountan-cy!
08 Finland Song 2:01 Finland
Written and sung by Michael Palin
Arranger – John Du Prez
From Monty Python’s Contractual Obligation Album
[pleasant music plays]
Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I want to be
Pony trekking or camping
Or just watching TV
Finland, Finland, Finland
It’s the country for me
You’re so near to Russia
So far from Japan
Quite a long way from Cairo
Lots of miles from Vietnam
Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I want to be
Eating breakfast or dinner
Or snack lunch in the hall
Finland, Finland, Finland
Finland has it all
You’re so sadly neglected
And often ignored
A poor second to Belgium
When going abroad
Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I quite want to be
Your mountains so lofty
Your treetops so tall
Finland, Finland, Finland
Finland has it all
All together, Finophiles!!
Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I quite want to be
Your mountains so lofty
Your treetops so tall
Finland, Finland, Finland
Finland has it all
Finland has it all…
[spoken]
If you’ve enjoyed hearing this song and would like to know more about Finland, why not ring Mr. Griffiths of Hemill-Hampstead? He and his charming wife Edna would be glad to answer any of your questions, and – who knows? – may show you some of their unrivaled collection of Scandinavian credit cards.
09 Medical Love Song 3:31 Medical
Music – Eric Idle, John Du Prez
Lyrics – Graham Chapman, Eric Idle
Arranger – John Du Prez
From Monty Python’s Contractual Obligation Album
Inflammation of the foreskin
Reminds me of your smile
I’ve had ballanital chancroids
For quite a little while
I gave my heart to NSU
That lovely night in June
I ache for you, my darling,
And I hope you’ll get well soon…
My penile warts, your herpes,
My syphilitic sores,
Your moenelial infection
How I miss you more and more
Your dobie’s itch, my scrumpox
Our lovely gonorrhea
At least we both were lying
When we said that we were queer
Our syphilitic kisses
Sealed the secret of our tryst
You gave me scrotal pustules
With a quick flick of your wrist
Your trichovaginitis
Sends shivers down my spine
I got snail tracks in my anus
When your spirochetes met mine
Gonococcal urethritis
Streptococcal balanitis
Meningo myelitis
Diplococcal cephalitis
Epidydimitis
Interstitial keratitis
Syphilitic choroiditis
And anterior u-ve-i-tis.
My clapped-out genitalia
Is not so bad for me
As the complete and utter failure
Every time I try to pee
My doctor says my buboes
Are the worst he’s ever seen
My scrotum’s painted orange
And my balls are turning green
My heart is very tender
Though my parts are awful raw
You might have been infected
But you never were a bore
I’m dying from your love, my love,
I’m your spirochaetal clown
I’ve left my body to science,
But I’m afraid they’ve turned it down
Gonococcal urethritis
Streptococcal balanitis
Meningo myelitis
Diplococcal cephalitis
Epidydimitis
Interstitial keratitis
Syphilitic choroiditis
And anterior u-ve-i-tis
10 I’m So Worried 2:57 Worried
Written and Sung by Terry Jones
From Monty Python’s Contractual Obligation Album
I’m so worried about what’s happening today
In the Middle East, you know
And I’m so worried about
The baggage retrieval
System they’ve got at Heathrow
I’m so worried about the fashions today
I don’t think they’re good for your feet
And I’m so worried about
The shows on TV
That sometimes they want to repeat
I’m so worried about modern technology-y
I’m so worried about all the things
That they dump in the sea-ea
I’m so worried about
My hair falling out
And the state of the world today
And I’m so worried about
Being so full of doubt
About everything anyway
I’m so worried about
Everything that can go wrong
I’m so worried about
Whether people like this song
I’m so worried about
The very next verse
It isn’t the best that I’ve got
And I’m so worried about whether I should go on
Or whether I shouldn’t just stop
…I’m so worried about
Whether I ought to have stopped
And I’m worried because
It’s the sort of thing I ought to know
And I’m so worried about
The baggage retrieval
System they’ve got at Heathrow
…I’m so worried about
Whether I should have stopped then
I’m so worried that I’m
Driving everyone around the bend
I’m worried about
The baggage retrieval
System they’ve got at Heathrow
SIDE TWO
11 Every Sperm Is Sacred 4:34 Sperm
Lyrics by Michael Palin and Terry Jones
Music by David Howman and Andre Jacquemin
From Monty Python’s Meaning of Life
DAD Michael Palin
MUM Terry Jones
[piano music]
DAD Well, let me put it like this.
[singing]
There are Jews in the world.
There are Buddhists.
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I’ve never been one of them.
[band starts]
I’m a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They’ll take you as soon as you’re warm.
You don’t have to be a six-footer.
You don’t have to have a great brain.
You don’t have to have any clothes on. You’re
A Catholic the moment Dad came,
Because…
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
CHILDREN Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
GIRL Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can’t be found.
CHILDREN Every sperm is wanted.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.
MUM: Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.
MEN Every sperm is sacred.
[clunk]
Every sperm is great.
WOMEN If a sperm is wasted,…
CHILDREN …God gets quite irate.
PRIEST Every sperm is sacred.
BRIDE and GROOM Every sperm is good.
NANNIES Every sperm is needed…
CARDINALS …In your neighbourhood!
CHILDREN Every sperm is useful.
Every sperm is fine.
FUNERAL CORTEGE God needs everybody’s.
MOURNER #1 Mine!
MOURNER #2 And mine!
CORPSE And mine!
NUNS Let the Pagan spill theirs
O’er mountain, hill, and plain.
HOLY STATUES God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that’s spilt in vain.
EVERYONE Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite iraaaaate!
12 Never Be Rude to an Arab 1:00 Arab
Written and sung by Terry Jones
From Monty Python’s Contractual Obligation Album
[flute melody]
Never be rude to an Arab
An Israeli, or Saudi, or Jew
Never be rude to an Irishman
No matter what you do
Never poke fun at a Nigger
A Spic, or a Wop, or a Kraut
And never put down –
(EXPLOSION)
13 I Like Chinese 3:10 Chinese
Words & Music – Eric Idle
From Monty Python’s Contractual Obligation Album
[spoken]
The world today seems absolutely crackers.
With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high.
There’s fools and idiots sitting on the trigger.
It’s depressing, and it’s senseless, and that’s why…
[song begins]
I like Chinese
I like Chinese
They only come up to your knees
Yet they’re always friendly and they’re ready to please
I like Chinese (*pop*)
I like Chinese (drink filling in glass)
There’s 900 million of them in the world today
You’d better learn to like them, that’s what I say
I like Chinese
I like Chinese
They come from a long way overseas
But they’re cute, and they’re cuddly, and they’re ready to please
I like Chinese food
The waiters never are rude
Think of the many things they’ve done to impress
There’s Maoism, Taoism, I Ching, and Chess
So I like Chinese (chopsticks in background)
I like Chinese
I like their tiny little trees
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin and yang-ese
I like Chinese thought
The wisdom that Confucious taught
If Darwin is anything to shout about
The Chinese will survive us all without any doubt
So I like Chinese
I like Chinese
They only come up to your knees
Yet they’re wise, and they’re witty, and they’re ready to please
All together:
(in Chinese)
Wo ai Zhongguoren
Wo ai Zhongguoren
Wo ai Zhongguoren
Ni hao ma
Ni hao ma
Ni hao ma zhaijen!
I like Chinese
I like Chinese
Their food is guaranteed to please
A fourteen, a seven, a nine, and lychees (*ding*)
I like Chinese
I like Chinese
I like their tiny little trees
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin and yang-ese
I like Chinese
I like Chinese
They only come up to your knees…
(fade out)
14 Eric the Half a Bee 2:06 Eric
Lyrics – Eric Idle & John Cleese
Music – Eric Idle
From Monty Python’s Previous Record
(spoken)
John Cleese Take it away Eric the Orchestra Leader …
Orch Leader A-one, two, a-one two three four
(Piano – introductory flourish)
John Cleese (Speaks to piano accompaniment)
Half a bee, philosophically,
Must ipso facto half not be.
But half a bee, has got to be,
Vis a vis its entity.
D’you see?
But can a bee be said to be
Or not to be an entire bee,
When half the bee is not a bee,
Due to some ancient injury.
Singing! …
All La di di, one two three,
Eric the Half a Bee.
A B C D E F G
Eric the Half a Bee.
John Cleese Is this wretched demi-bee,
Half asleep upon my knee,
Some freak from a menagerie?
AllNo! It’s Eric the Half a Bee.
Fiddle di dum, fiddle di dee,
Eric the Half a Bee.
Ho ho ho, tee hee hee,
Eric the Half a Bee.
John Cleese I love this hive employ-ee-ee,
Bisected accidentally,
One Summer afternoon by me,
I love him carnally.
All He loves him carnally …
John Cleese Semi-carnally.
(Speaks) The End.
All Cyril Connolly?
John Cleese No, semi-carnally.
All Oh.
All (Quietly) Cyril Connolly.
(whistling)
15 Brian Song 2:35 Brian
Music – Andre Jacquemin / Dave Howman
Lyrics – Michael Palin
Singer – Sonia Jones
From Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Brian … the babe they called Brian
Grew … grew, grew and grew,
Grew up to be,
Grew up to be,
A boy called Brian
A boy called Brian.
He had arms and legs and hands and feet
This boy whose name was Brian
And he grew, grew, grew and grew
Grew up to be
Yes he grew up to be
A teenager called Brian
A teenager called Brian.
And his face became spotty
Yes his face became spotty
And his voice dropped down low
And things started to grow
On young Brian and so
He was certainly no
No girl named Brian
Not a girl named Brian.
And he started to shave
And have one off the wrist
And want to see girls
And go out and get pissed
A man called Brian
This man called Brian
The man they called Brian
This man called Brian.
16 Bruces’ Song :52 Bruce
Words & Music – Eric Idle
Singers – The Pythons
From Monty Python Matching Tie and Handkerchief
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable,
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table,
David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel.
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schegel.
There’s nothing Nietzche couldn’t teach ya
‘Bout the raising of the wrist,
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill,
Plato, they say, could stick it away,
Half a crate of whisky every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart,
“I drink, therefore I am.”
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed.
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he’s pissed.
17 Meaning of Life 2:15 Meaning
Music – Eric Idle, John Du Prez
Lyrics – Eric Idle
From Monty Python’s Meaning of Life
Eric Idle Why are we here? What’s life all about?
Is God really real, or is there some doubt?
Well, tonight, we’re going to sort it all out,
For, tonight, it’s ‘The Meaning of Life’.
What’s the point of all this hoax?
Is it the chicken and the egg time? Are we just yolks?
Or, perhaps, we’re just one of God’s little jokes.
Well, ça c’est le ‘Meaning of Life’.
Is life just a game where we make up the rules
While we’re searching for something to say,
Or are we just simply spiralling coils
Of self-replicating DNA. Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay.
In this ‘life’, what is our fate?
Is there Heaven and Hell? Do we reincarnate?
Is mankind evolving, or is it too late?
Well, tonight, here’s ‘The Meaning of Life’.
For millions, this ‘life’ is a sad vale of tears,
Sitting ’round with rien nothing to say
While the scientists say we’re just simply spiralling coils
Of self-replicating DNA. Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay.
So, just why– why are we here,
And just what– what– what– what do we fear?
Well, ce soir, for a change, it will all be made clear,
For this is ‘The Meaning of Life’. C’est le sens de la vie.
This is ‘The Meaning of Life’.
18 Camelot 1:06 Camelot
Music – Neil Innes
Lyrics – Graham Chapman, John Clees
From Monty Python and the Holy Grail soundtrack
We’re Knights of the Round Table,
We dance when ere we’re able,
We do routines and chorus scenes
with footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Camelot,
we eat ham and jam and spam a lot.
We’re Knights of the Round Table,
Our shows are formidable,
But many times we’re given rhymes
that are quite unsingable.
We’re Opera mad in Camelot,
We sing from the diaphram al…o…o…o…t.
In war we’re tough and able,
Quite indefatigable,
Between our quests, we sequin vests,
and impersonate Clark Gable.
It’s a busy life in Camelot,
I have to push the pram a lot.
19 All Things Dull and Ugly 1:33 All Things
Music – Trad.
Words – Eric Idle
From Monty Python’s Contractual Obligation Album
All things dull and ugly,
All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty,
The Lord God made the lot.
Each little snake that poisons,
Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom,
He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous,
All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous,
The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet,
Each beastly little squid,
Who made the spikey urchin,
Who made the sharks, He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small,
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.
AMEN
20 Decomposing Composers 2:48 Decompose
Music & Lyrics, Singer – Michael Palin
Arranger – John Du Prez
From Monty Python’s Contractual Obligation Album
[spoken]
Well, erm, yeah, darlin’, I’ll be home about 8:30. No, I’ll go on a bike.
[sung]
Beethoven’s gone, but his music lives on
And Mozart don’t go shopping no more
You’ll never meet Liszt or Brahms again
And Elgar doesn’t answer the door
Shubert and Chopin used to chuckle and laugh
Whilst composing a long symphony
But one hundred and fifty years later
There’s very little of them left to see
They’re decomposing composers
There’s nothing much anyone can do
You can still hear Beethoven
But Beethoven cannot hear you
(rather warped section of Beethoven’s Fifth)
Handel and Hayden and Rachmaninoff
Enjoyed a nice drink with their meal
But now-a-days no one will serve them
And their gravy is left to congeal
Verdi and Wagner delighted the crowds
With their highly original sound
The pianos they played are still working
But they’re both six feet under ground
They’re decomposing composers
There’s less of them every year
You can say what you like to Debussy
But there’s not much of him left to hear
[spoken]
Claude Achille Debussy, Died 1918.
Cristophe Willibald Gluck, Died 1787.
Karl Maria Von Weber, not at all well 1825, died 1826.
Giacomo Meyerbeer, still alive 1863, not still alive 1864.
Modest Mussorgsky, 1880 going to parties, no fun anymore 1881.
Johan Nepomuk Hummel, chatting away nineteen to the dozen with his mates down at the pub every evening 1836… 1837, nothing.
21 Henry Kissinger 1:28 Henry
Music & Lyrics – Eric Idle
Arranger – John Du Prez
From Monty Python’s Contractual Obligation Album
Henry Kissinger
How I’m missing yer
You’re the doctor of my dreams
With your crinkly hair
And your glassy stare
And your machiavellian schemes
I know they say that you are very vain
And short and fat and pushy
But at least you’re not insane
Henry Kissinger
How I’m missing yer
And wishing you were here
Henry Kissinger
How I’m missing yer
You’re so chubby and so neat
With your funny clothes
And your squishy nose
You’re like a German par-o-quet
All right so people say that you don’t care
But you’ve got nicer legs than Hitler
And bigger tits than Cher
Henry Kissinger
How I’m missing yer
And wishing you were here.
22 I’ve Got Two Legs :33 Legs
Written & Sung by Terry Gilliam
(spoken)
And now, Mr. Terry Gilliam will song for you, “I’ve Got Two Legs”
Terry Gilliam I’ve got two legs from my hips to the ground
And when I move them they walk around
And when I lift them they climb the stairs
And when I shave them they ain’t got hairs
I’ve got two …
23 Christmas in Heaven 2:45 Christmas
Music – Eric Idle
Lyrics – Terry Jones
From Monty Python’s Meaning of Life
TONY BENNETT: Graham Chapman
TONY BENNETT: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It’s truly a real honourable experience to be here this evening, a very wonderful and warm and emotional moment for all of us, and I’d like to sing a song for all… of you.
[applause]
[singing]
It’s Christmas in Heaven.
All the children sing.
It’s Christmas in Heaven.
Hark. Hark. Those church bells ring.
It’s Christmas in Heaven.
The snow falls from the sky,
But it’s nice and warm, and everyone
Looks smart and wears a tie.
It’s Christmas in Heaven.
There’s great films on TV:
‘The Sound of Music’ twice an hour
And ‘Jaws’ One, Two, and Three.
JOSEPH AND MARY: [singing]
There’s gifts for all the family.
There’s toiletries and trains.
THREE WISE MEN: [singing]
There’s Sony Walkman Headphone sets
And the latest video games.
EVERYONE: [singing]
It’s Christmas! It’s Christmas in Heaven!
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray!
Every single day
Is Christmas day!
It’s Christmas! It’s Christmas in Heaven!
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray!
Every single day
Is Chri–
24 Galaxy Song 2:41 Galaxy
Music – Eric Idle, John Du Prez
Lyrics – Eric Idle
From Monty Python’s Meaning of Life
Eric Idle (spoken)
Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown,
And things seem hard or tough,
[clunk]
And people are stupid, obnoxious, or daft,
And you feel that you’ve had quite enough,
[boom]
[singing]
Just remember that you’re standing on a planet that’s evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That’s orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it’s reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the ‘Milky Way’.
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It’s a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it’s just three thousand light years wide.
We’re thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go ’round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.
[boom] [slurp]
The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that’s the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you’re feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere up in space,
‘Cause there’s bugger all down here on Earth.
[clunk]
25 Spam Song :32 Spam
Music – Michael Palin, Terry Jones, Fred Tomlinson
Lyrics – Michael Palin, Terry Jones
Arranger – Fred Tomlinson
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 2 episode 12 sketch 9
Lovely spam, Wonderful Spa-a-m,
Lovely Spam, Wonderful S Spam,
Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am,
Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am,
SP-A-A-A-A-A-A-AM,
SP-A-A-A-A-A-A-AM,
LOVELY SPAM, LOVELY SPAM,
LOVELY SPAM, LOVELY SPAM,
LOVELY SPA-A-A-A-AM …
SPA-AM,
SPA-AM,
SPA-AM,
SPA-A-A-AM!