Monty Python Matching Tie and Handkerchief
Monty Python Matching Tie and Handkerchief (1973)
The group’s third studio album in its original packaging is a find for fans of vinyl trickery: the B-side contains two continuous tracks, leaving the stylus a 50-50 chance at playing the track you want. The group reprises several sketchs from the show (“Bruces,” “Cheese Shop”) without the hindrance of playing to a live audience: in essence, lightning fast and witty to boot. Most of the Pythons came from a tradition of radio sketch comedy, so they are not out of their depth, and as liable to play with the conventions of recorded sound as Firesign Theatre, their American contemporaries (though the Pythons never attempted on record anything like the concept albums of Firesign).
Of the originals, “Novel Writing” (literature broadcast as sport) and “Word Association Football” (John Cleese at his densest) are winners. Ex-Bonzo Dog Band member Neil Innes also provides music on the bizarre “Background to History” in which dissertations on Medieval English farming are sung in the style of Bob Marley, Gary Glitter, and Joe Cocker.
This page contains the only transcripts online for the Bonus Tracks, painstakingly transcribed by our own team, although I’m sure they will be stolen soon and disseminated with out credit.
SIDE ONE
- 01 Bishop
- 02 Elephantoplasty 1:56 Elephant
- 03 Wide World of Novel Writing 2:33 Novel
- 04 Word Association 1:16 Word
- 05 Bruces 3:02 Bruces
- 06 Adventures of Ralph Melish 4:02 Ralph
- 07 Cheese Shop 4:05 Cheese
- 08 Tiger Talk 1:30 Tiger
SIDE TWO
- 09 A Great Actor 2:22 Actor
- 10 Background to History 3:52 History
- 11 World War Noises in 4 4:04 WWI
- 12 Fight of the Century :53 Fight
- 13 Minister for Overseas Development 1:05 Minister
- 14 Oscar Wilde and Friends 3:23 Oscar
- 15 Taking in the Terrier 1:22 Terrier
- 16 Phone-In 2:36 Phone
BONUS
- 17 Psychopath 1:55 Psychopath
- 18 Teleprompter Football 3:11 Football
- 19 Radio Tuning Radio 4 :30 Radio Tuning Radio 4
- 20 Radio Shop 6:05 Radio Shop
CREDITS
Written and performed by Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Michael Palin
Other performers – Carol Cleveland, Terry Gilliam
Neil Innes – Guitar, Keyboards, Vocals
Michael Doret – Cover Art
Nancy Greenberg – Art Direction
Alan Bailey – Engineer
Kevin Hodge – Mastering
Dave Howman & Andre Jacquemin – Editing & Mixing
SIDE ONE
01 Bishop on the Landing 3:07 Bishop
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 3 sketch 3
02 Elephantoplasty 1:56 Elephant
Announcer John Cleese
Reg LeCrisp Graham Chapman
Announcer Tonight on ‘Who Cares?’ we examine the frontiers of surgery. With us is the international financier and surgeon Reg LeCrisp and his most successful patient to date, the elephant Mr. George Humphries.
(Elephant trumpets.)
Mr. LeCrisp, the surgery on Mr. Humpries is truly remarkable, but why an elephant?
Reg LeCrisp Well, that was just a stroke of luck, really. An elephant’s trunk became available after a road accident, and Mr. Humphries happened to be walking past the hospital at the time.
Announcer And what was Mr. Humphries’ reaction to the transplant of the elephant’s organs?
Reg LeCrisp (interspersed with trumpeting): Surprise at first, then later shock, and deep anger and resentment. But his family were marvelous, they helped pull him through…
Announcer How long was he in hospital?
Reg LeCrisp Well, he spent the first three weeks in our intensive care unit, and then eight weeks in the zoo.
Announcer I see. Is Mr. Humphries now able to lead a fairly normal life?
Reg LeCrisp No. Oh, no, no. No, he still has to wash himself in a rather special way, he can only eat buns, and he’s not allowed on public transport. But I feel these are very minor problems…
Announcer Mm hmmm.
Reg LeCrisp …when you consider the very sophisticated surgery which Mr. Humphries has undergone. I mean, each of those feet he’s got now weighs more than his whole body did before the elephantoplasty, and the tusks alone…
Announcer Er, some years ago you were the center of, er, controversy both from your own medical colleagues and from the Church when you grafted a pederast onto an Anglican bishop.
Reg LeCrisp Well, that’s ignorance of the press, if I may say so. We’ve done thousands of similar operations, it’s just that this time there was a bishop involved. I wish I could have more bishops, I…
Announcer Is lack of donors a problem?
Reg LeCrisp There just aren’t enough accidents. It’s unethical and time-consuming to go out and *cause* them, so we’re having to rely on whatever comes to hand– chairs, tables, floor-cleaning equipment, drying-out racks, pieces of pottery, and these do pose almost insurmountable surgical problems. What I’m sitting on, in fact, is one of our more successful attempts. This is Mrs. Dudley. She had little hope of survival, she’d lost interest in life, but along came this very attractive mahogany frame, and now she’s a jolly comfortable Chesterfield.
Announcer Mm hmm. I see.
(Sound of car crash–sirens blaring)
Reg LeCrisp Oh–excuse me… (Rushes out.)
03 Wide World of Novel Writing 2:33 Novel
1st Announcer Eric Idle
2nd Announcer Michael Palin
Dennis Graham Chapman
1st Announcer And now it’s time for ‘Novel Writing’ which today comes from the west country from Dorset.
(we hear the sound of a crowd in the background)
2nd Announcer Hello and welcome to Dorchester where a very good crowd has turned out to watch local boy Thomas Hardy write his new novel ‘The Return of the Native’ on this very pleasant July morning. This will be his eleventh novel and the fifth of the very popular Wessex novels. And here he comes! Here comes Hardy walking out toward his desk, he looks confident, he looks relaxed very much the man in form as he acknowledges this very good natured Bank Holiday crowd. And the crowd goes quiet now as Hardy settles himself down at the desk, body straight shoulders relaxed, pen held lightly but firmly in the right hand, he dips the pen in the ink (the announcer becomes excitied) and he’s off, its the first word, but it is not a word… oh no it’s a doodle way up on top of the left hand margin. It is a piece of meaningless scribble, and he’s signed his name underneath it. Oh dear what a disappointing start, but he is off again and here he goes the first word of Thomas Hardy’s new novel, at 10:35 on this very lovely morning, it’s three letters it’s the definate article and it’s THE, Dennis
Dennis Well this is true to form, no surprises there. He started five of his eleven novels to date with a definite article. We’ve had two of them with ‘IT’, there has been one ‘BUT’, two ‘AT’s, one ‘ON’ and a Delores. Oh that of course was never published.
2nd Announcer I am sorry to interrupt you there Dennis, but he’s crossed it out. Thomas Hardy here on the first day of his new novel has crossed out the only word he has written so far and he is gazing off into space. Ohh! Oh dear he’s signed his name again.
Dennis It looks like Tess of the D’Urbervilles all over again.
2nd Announcer But he’s… No.. he’s down again and writing Dennis, he’s written THE again, he’s crossed it out again and he has written A and there is a second word coming up straight away, it is SAT, a sat, doesn’t make sense a sat, a Saturday, it is a SATURDAY and the crowd are loving it. They’re really enjoying this novel and it’s AFTERNOON, a Saturday afternoon, is a confident beggining and he is straight on to the next word and it is IN, a Saturday afternoon, IN, in, in, no, NOVEMBER, November’s spelt wrong, he has left out the second E, but he’s not going back it looks as though he is going for the sentence and it is the first verb coming up, the first verb of the novel and it is WAS,…. the crowd are going wild. A Saturday afternoon in November was, a long word here , appro, is it approval, ah no it’s APPROACHING, a Saturday afternoon in November was approaching and he has done the definate article THE again and he is writing fluently, easily with flowing strokes of the pen as he comes up to the middle of this first sentence and with this eleventh novel well underway and the prospect of a good days writing ahead, back to the studio.
04 Word Association 1:16 Word
Announcer John Cleese
AnnouncerTonight’s the night I shall be talking about of flu the subject of word association football. This is a technique out a living much used in the practice makes perfect of psychoanalysister and brother and one that has occupied piper the majority rule of my attention squad by the right number one two three four the last five years to the memory.
It is quite remarkable baker charlie how much the miller’s son this so-called while you were out word association immigrants’ problems influences the manner from heaven in which we sleekit cowering timrous beasties all-American Speke, the famous explorer. And the really well that is surprising partner in crime is that a lot and his wife of the lions feeding time we may be c d e effectively quite unaware of the fact or fiction section of the Watford Public Library that we are even doing it is a far, far better thing that I do now then, now then, what’s going onward Christian Barnaard the famous hearty part of the lettuce now praise famous mental homes for loonies like me.
So on the button, my contention causing all the headaches, is that unless we take into account of Monte Cristo in our thinking George the Fifth this phenomenon the other hand we shall not be able satisfact or fiction section of the Watford Public Library againily to understand to attention when I’m talking to you and stop laughing, about human nature, man’s psychological make-up some story the wife’ll believe and hence the very meaning of life itselfish bastard, I’ll kick him in the Ball’s Pond Road.
05 Bruces 3:02 Bruces
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 2 episode 9 sketch 2
06 Adventures of Ralph Melish 4:02 Ralph
Voice Over Michael Palin
Enid Eric Idle
Ralph Melish Terry Jones
(ominous music)
Voice Over June the 4th, 1973, was much like any other summer’s day in Peterborough, and Ralph Melish, a file clerk at an insurance company, was on his way to work as usual when… (da dum!) Nothing happened! (dum dum da dum) Scarcely able to believe his eyes, Ralph Melish looked down. But one glance confirmed his suspicions. Behind a bush, on the side of the road, there was *no* severed arm. No dismembered trunk of a man in his late fifties. No head in a bag. Nothing. Not a sausage. For Ralph Melish, this was *not* to be the start of any trail of events which would not, in no time at all, involve him in neither a tangled knot of suspicion, nor any web of lies, which would, had he been not uninvolved, surely have led him to no other place, than the central criminal court of the Old Bailey.
(muttering voices, Judge’s gavel banging.)
Voice Over But it was not to be (ominous music returns). Ralph Melish reached his office in Dullsells Street in Peterborough, at 9:05 a.m., exactly the same time as he usually got in!
(door opens)
Enid Morning, Mr. Melish
Ralph Melish Morning, Enid
Voice Over Enid, a sharp-eyed, clever young girl, who had been with the firm for only 4 weeks, couldn’t help noticing the complete absence of tiny but tell-tale blood stains on Mr. Melish’s clothing. Nor did she notice anything strange in Mr. Melish’s behaviour that whole morning. Nor the next morning. Nor at any time before or since the entire period she worked for that firm.
Ralph Melish Have the new paper clips arrived, Enid?
Enid Yes, they’re over there, Mr. Melish.
Ralph Melish (faintly) Oh…
Voice Over But for the lack of any untoward circumstances for this young secretary to notice, and the total non-involvement of Mr. Melish in anything illegal, the full weight of the law would have insured that Ralph Auldus Melish would have ended up like all who challenge the fundamental laws of our society. In an iron coffin with spikes on the inside.
07 Cheese Shop 4:05 Cheese
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 7 sketch 6
08 Tiger Talk 1:30 Tiger
Announcer 1 Michael Palin
Jeremy Bourke John Cleese
Announcer 2 Eric Idle
(Intro music)
Announcer 1 Tiger club introduced by Jeremy Bourke.
Jeremy Bourke Good evening one of the main problems in keeping a Siberian tiger in an ordinary suburban…ahhh hoo… (yells) oh Christ there is a wasp in here.
(We hear a number of people running around trying to swat the wasp)
Announcer 2 Quick get him before he gets the tiger
(They keep yelling, screaming and the sound of general panic)
Announcer 2 Well Tiger Club was introduced by (we hear the roar of a lion and the scream of the announcer)
Announcer 1 Before the next joke there will be a short raspberry
(A short raspberry)
Announcer 1 And you will be able to hear that again… (sound of a wasp flying past) OH!!!…Oh!!… (him running around and yelling in panic)
BONUS
Alcoholic John Cleese
Man Graham Chapman
footsteps
Psychopath Uh, Spare 10p for a cupaholic, sir?
Man I’m sorry?
Psychopath Uh, all right, sir. Uh, spare 10p for the fare home, sir?
Man Go away.
Psychopath Uh, sir, sir. Uh, spare a tenner for a bottle of champagne, sir?
Man What?
Psychopath Uh, spare a tenner for a bottle of champagne, sir? For a powerful young psychopath, sir?
Man Psychopath?
Psychopath Yes, sir, for a huge psychopathic youth who’s not only short o’ money, sir, but almost completely unable to control his murderous impulses, sir.
Man Oh, well, ah…
Psychopath Ohhhhhh…
Man What is it?
Psychopath Mmmm…I can feel it building up, sir. Ohhh dear..
Man What?
Psychopath Ohh… senseless violence!.. mmmm… eh… ohhh.. another dreadful outburst is on it’s way, I fear… ohh… sorry, sir. Quick, quick, gimme some cash sir, quick… woohh.. quick, sir! It’s the only thing that helps…
Man All right, there you are.
Psychopath Here comes the red mist… mmmmm… oh shit sir, quick! Gimme some more…
Man (panicking) Well there’s some more. Take it. Go on.
Psychopath Sir, sir, sorry..
Man What?!
Psychopath That isn’t enough, sir… ohhhh… Oh, I really am sorry, sir… Aah, this won’t do any good at all, sir. Quick, quick! Gimme some more, sir!
Man Well, how much?!?
Psychopath Oh, ooh, ooooh… This is a bad one… Ooh!… You’d better give me everything you’ve got to be on the safe side with this one, sir…
Man (panicking) All right, take this, take it! Do you take Barclaycards?
Psychopath Ohhh..yes, sir…ohhhhh… I’m really sorry it had to be you that copped the attack like this… ooohhh… Gimme the travelers checks too, sir…
Man Take my watch as well! There you are!
Psychopath OHHH YEAH! Oh, quick, gimme the robinsons, quick quick, be okay for a few seconds, I think sir. OHHHRRR! Pop it sir, pop it sir, quick, now, while there’s still time!
(continuous ominous groans, during which time, the victim gets away)
(short pause)
Psychopath (after regaining composure) And the best thing about it is… it’s totally uncurable.
Announcer Michael Palin
music and crowd sounds
Announcer Now it’s time for the Football Results, and they’re coming in on the teleprinter now.
sounds of teleprinter printing
Coming in rather slowly I’m afraid. Here’s a team coming in now beginning with, uh, with ‘S’. Now coming in, just the ‘S’, we’ve just got the ‘S’ so far, hmmm, what could it be, Southhamptons? Sheffield?
Announcer 1 Graham Chapman
Announcer 2 Terry Jones
(sounds of radio static, crosstalk
Announcer 1 This is Radio 4
Announcer 2 It’s 5 past 9 and nearly time for 6 past 9. Later on this evening it will be 9:30, and at 10:10 we’ll be joining BBC2 in time for 10:15. Those of you who missed 9:45 last week can see it again this Friday at a quarter to 10. Well now it’s 7 minutes until the little brown thing and time for “Good Evening”, introduced as usual by, umm.. oh… shit! oh it was on the tip of my tongue, you know, some great big bloke, you know… (cuts off abruptly)
Customer Graham Chapman
Radio Seller Terry Jones
Bert Michael Palin
Mr. Fang John Cleese
Mr. Kylesplate Michael Palin
(radio plays)
Customer Turn that rubbish off. People like that should be drummed off the media.
(sound of radio being shut off)
Radio Seller What squire?
Customer Drummed off the media. That man shouldn’t be cluttering up the wavebands when there are vital issues to be heard.
Radio Seller Well it’s only an ordinary bloke, innit sir?
Customer Oh, pardon my holistic error. Excuse me while I nip down my well of personal experience and revitalize myself in the stream of common consciousness. Ah, ah yes that’s better, oh yes I see it, Yin/Yang, action and reaction. That bloke’s drivel was as a counterbalance for my own clarity of thought when I said ‘Turn that rubbish off’.
Radio Seller You always like this sir?
Customer Why should I be categorized as being ‘like this’ merely because I’m tellin’ it like it is?
Radio Seller Look mate, I don’t know what you’re on about but I’m here to sell radios.
Customer My poor fellow, does that summarize your lot? ‘I am a seller of radios, period’? I would like to take issue with you on your limited vision of yourself. Now, my good fellow, what are you doing here?
Radio Seller Selling radios.
Customer No no, what are you doing here on this earth? What is your prime function?
Radio Seller Sell more radios.
Customer That at least would be ambition, no, try again. My meaning eludes you. You sell radios, right?
Radio Seller Yes.
Customer Now, what do radios do?
Radio Seller Play music?
Customer Yes, and?
Radio Seller News bulletins?
Customer Mmm-hmm, and?
Radio Seller Well it’s entertainment, innit?
Customer Is it? We’ll let that pass. Now we had reached a point where your description of a radio’s function encompassed music, news and for the nonce in parenthesis, ‘entertainment’.
Radio Seller Are you from a ‘ome of some kind?
Customer An ‘ome? An ‘ome? I see, now you postulate my voluntary commitment to some asylum or psychiatric out-patient’s possibly. Far from it young man! What I’m driving at are bigger issues: radios are for communication.
Radio Seller I suppose so, yeah.
Customer Well supposed, at last! Now young man, do you not see, is that not clear now? Your life is not fettered to the hum-drum of this counter. You should conceive your live as the bringer of tidings, a purveyor of communications, the very fabric of our human soul. You could, if you chose, with reason, liken yourself to Hermes himself, the patron of merchants and messengers. Yes, young man, a veritable Greek god. ‘I sell radios’ indeed, you mock yourself. Now, suddenly, doesn’t everything, a purpose, become clearer to you?
Radio Seller Oh yes, it does as a matter of a fact, yes.
Customer Good, good, splendid fellow. Now having been at pains to establish some kind of rapport, please could you mend this radio.
(radio bangs on counter)
Radio Seller What’s wrong with it?
Customer The socket for the power plug has come adrift.
Radio Seller Ah sounds simple enough, yes. Bought the machine from us, did you?
Customer Yes.
Radio Seller Ohh, I don’t think so sir.
Customer What?
Radio Seller No, we don’t stock that model I’m afraid.
Customer I did buy it here.
Radio Seller No sir, ah, 2E yes but this is a 2EL, we don’t stock them sir.
Customer You did.
Radio Seller Never.
Customer Oh really. So hard-won rapport is cast to the wind. Well it just so happens that I’m ahead of you this time. I’ve had trouble of this kind here before. Not only in this shop, but in this country in general. Avoidance of responsibility is as English as toasted muffins.
Radio Seller Toasted what, sir?
Customer I shall ignore that, you shall not destroy my flow, I have a sales docket here headed ‘Studio Sounds’. This is Studio Sounds isn’t it?
Radio Seller Yes sir, but there are several Studio Sounds…
Customer 142 Greencroft Place, London, England, the Universe, the World?
Radio Seller Yes.
Customer It states quite clearly, sold on the 8th of January 1981 Cassette Recorder #2EL.
Radio Seller Could I have a look at that, sir?
(sounds of paper crumpling)
Customer Ah yes.
Radio Seller Oh yes, I see sir, there has been an error.
Customer Good, so if you would effect the repair…
Radio Seller Repair? Can’t do that sir. You see, there’s the error, it says #2EI not ‘L’, that’s an ‘I’.
Customer No, good try but I’m afraid not. There is no such thing as a model 2EI or 2E1. That, my lad, is an ‘L’. Here is the maker’s catalog.
(sound of catalog dropped to the counter)
Radio Seller Well noone in this shop would have hidden it. 2EL. We don’t sell ’em. Never have.
Customer Well, they did.
Radio Seller (yells into next room) Bert?
Bert Yeah!
Radio Seller We’ve never sold 2ELs, have we?
Bert Never heard of ’em.
Customer This gentleman, Mr. Fang, was here with me at the time, and was a witness to the sale.
Mr. Fang Yes, I came with this gentleman, I took a Polaroid of him buying the recorder in this shop.
Customer Now wriggle out of that.
Radio Seller Alright, look, look we’re very busy at the moement, I can’t take on of my electronic engineers off whatever he’s doing just to look at a little thing like that. But I’ll tell you what, you just leave it with us and I’ll do my best for you.
Customer When would it be ready?
Radio Seller Ooo, nine months?
Customer No. Now look here, I rang this shop before bothering to come down here with precognition of your obstructive policies and your managing director, Mr. Kylesplate said this- may I use your machine?
(recorder mechanism starts)
Mr. Kylesplate (on recording) Yes, just bring it in and we’ll fix it in a jiffy as you’re an old customer.
Radio Seller Oh, why didn’t you say you were an old customer?
Customer You mean bringing back the recorder, the receipt, the manufacturer’s catalog, a witness of the sale and a Polaroid flash of the event was insufficient evidence? And had I not had the foresight to record my conversation with your managing director, I would have completely wasted my time?
Radio Seller Frankly, yes sir.
Customer So I surmised. Now, I have to warn you, and all your staff that this shop is surrounded by armed men. Kindly inform all your workmates that I wish to have words with them.
Radio Seller Sorry sir, tea break.
(opens door, screams and moans heard in next room)
Alright alright come on everyone, come on.
Customer Now, I am loathe to use firearms but my experience with British industry in general has forced me into this position. Your job, each one of you, is to sell hi-fi equipment and provide a reasonable after-sale service as written out in your guarantee. This is not a tricky job. It does not require years of pain-staking research, hours of book-learning or supreme physical fitness. You are paid a reasonable wage, otherwise you presumably would not be fools enough to be here at all, am I right.
Radio Seller and workmates (mumbling) Yeah, er right.
Customer Now, given that, why would you not enhance your own lives and those of people around you by rendering the services to which, by your presence, you lay claim?
Radio Seller Well, why should we?
Customer I beg your pardon?
Radio Seller Well who do you think you are?
Customer Ah, you again. Just read the name at the top of that sales document.
Radio Seller Umm, Mr. Armageddon.
Customer Correct, AND
(sound of a lightning strike)
Customer Better luck in your next incarnation. Mr Fang?
Mr. Fang Aryeah.
Customer Let us leave.
(footsteps, door closes)
SIDE TWO
09 A Great Actor 2:22< Actor
Voice Over Graham Chapman
Alan Semen Eric Idle
Sir Edwin John Cleese
Voice Over Just starting on BBC1 now, ‘Victoria Regina’, the inspiring tale of the simple crofters daughter who worked her way up to become Queen of England and Empress of the greatest empire television has ever seen. But right now it’s time for ‘Great Actors’, introduced as usual by Alan Semen.
Alan Semen Sir Edwin, which has been for you the most demanding of the great Shakesperean tragic heroes that you’ve played?
Sir Edwin Well, of course this is always a difficult one, but I think the answer must be Hamlet.
Alan Semen Which you played at Stratford in 1963.
Sir Edwin That’s right, yes, I found the role a very taxing one. I mean, er, Hamlet has eight thousand two hundred and sixty-two words, you see.
Alan Semen Really?
Sir Edwin Oh yes. Othello’s a bugger too, mind you, especially the cleaning up afterwards, but he has nine hundred and forty-one words less than Hamlet. On the other hand, the coon’s got more pauses, sixty-two quite long ones, as I recall. But then they’re not so tricky, you see. You don’t have to do so much during them.
Alan Semen You don’t.
Sir Edwin No. No, not really. And they give you time to think what sort of face you’re going to pull during the next speech so that it fits the words you’re saying as far as possible.
Alan Semen How many words did you have to say as King Lear at the Aldwitch in ’52?
Sir Edwin Ah, well, I don’t want you to get the impression it’s just a question of the number of words… um… I mean, getting them in the right order is just as important. Old Peter Hall used to say to me, ‘They’re all there Eddie, now we’ve got to get them in the right order.’ And, er, for example, you can also say one word louder than another–er, ‘To *be* or not to be,’ or ‘To be *or* not to *be*,’ or ‘To be or not to *be*’ you see? And so on.
Alan Semen Inflection.
Sir Edwin And of course inflection. In fact, Lear has only seven thousand and fifty-four words, but the real difficulty with Lear is that you’ve got to play him all, you know, shaky legs and pratfalls and the dentures coming out, ’cause he’s ancient as hell, and then there’s that heartrending scene when he goes right off his nut, you know, ‘bliddle dee dee diddle deebibble dee dee dibble beep beep beep,’ and all that, which takes it out of you, what with having the crown to keep on. So Lear is tiring, although not difficult to act, because you’ve only got to do despair and a bit of anger, and they’re the easiest.
Alan Semen Are they? What are the hardest?
Sir Edwin Oh… um, fear.
Alan Semen Fear?
Sir Edwin Mmm, yes, never been able to get that, can’t do the mouth. I look all cross. It’s a very fine line.
Alan Semen What else?
Sir Edwin Apart from fear? Er, jealousy can be tricky, but for me, the most difficult is being in love, you know, that openmouthed, vacant look that Vanessa Redgrave’s got off to a tee. Can’t do that at all. And also I’m frightfully awkward when I try that happy prancing, you know. Which is a shame, really, because otherwise Romeo’s very good for me. Only three thousand and eight and quite a lote of climbing and kissing.
Alan Semen Sir Edwin, get stuffed.
Sir Edwin I’ve enjoyed it.
10 Background to History 3:52 History
Announcer 1 Eric Idle
Announcer 2 Graham Chapman
Professor Tofts Neil Innes
Professor Moorehead Neil Innes
(classical music)
Announcer 1 The Background to History, Part Four.
Announcer 2 Good evening. One of the main elements in any assessment of the medieval open field farming system is the availability of oxen for the winter plowing. Professor Tofts of the University of Manchester puts it like this:
Professor Tofts (Sung with the backing of Reggae type music)
To plough once in the Winter
sowing and again in Lent
Sowing with as many oxen
Sowing with as many oxen
As he shall have yoked in the plough
Oh yeah, oh yeah
As he shall have yoked in the plough
oh yeah yeah
oh yeah oh yeah
Announcer 2 But of course, there is considerable evidence of open field villages as far back as the 10th century. Professor Moorehead.
Professor Moorehead (Professor Moorehead sings to a heavy rock beat with a lot of drumming)
There’s E-vi-dence!
There’s E-vi-dence!
There’s Evidence! (evidence!)
Evidence! (evidence!)
Evidence! (evidence!)
There’s Evidence! (evidence!)
Evidence of settlements with one long village street,
Farmsteads, hamlets, little towns – the framework was complete,
By the time…
Of the Norman conquest!
The rural framework was complete!
Rural!
Framework!
Was!
Complete!
Announcer 2 This is not to say of course that the system was as sophisticated as it later came to be. I asked the Professor of Medieval Studies at Cambridge why this was.
Professor Tofts Well…it may not have been a, uh …a statutary obligation but, uh…I mean…uh, a guy who’s a freeman would, uh, was obliged in the medieval system, to, uh…
Announcer 2…to do boonwork?
Professor Tofts yeah, that’s right, yeah, there’s an example from the village rolls, uh, in 1313…
Announcer 2 And I believe you are going to do it for us now?
Professor Tofts That’s right, yeah…. (sings with the backing of a band, music sounds almost rock/gospel)
Oh it’s written in the Village rolls
that if one plough team wants an oxen
and that oxen is lent
Then the villeins and the ploughman
have got to have the lord’s consent
Then the villeins and the ploughman
have got to have the lord’s consent
Then the villeins and the ploughman
have got to have the lord’s consent
Then the villeins and the ploughman
have got to have the lord’s consent
Then the villeins and the ploughman
have got to have the lord’s consent
Then the villeins and the ploughman
have got to have the lord’s consent
na na na na, na na na na, na na na na (ala Hey Jude)
(music from the song finishes off with with the sound of a plane and a guitar rift)
Announcer 1 That was a talk on the open field farming system by Professor Angus Jones. Some of the main points covered in this talk are now available on a long playing record ‘The Ronettes Sing Medieval Agrarian History’.
11 World War Noises in 4 4:04 WWI
Customer Graham Chapman
Miss Seveneroller Eric Idle
Officer Michael Palin
Sergeant Terry Jones
Assistant Eric Idle
Rhonda Terry Gilliam
Customer The Ronettes Sing Medieval Agrarian History please.
Assistant Sorry we have sold out, its terrifically popular. We’ve got First World War noises.
Customer Is that the Ronettes?
Assistant No no that’s the French and the Germans.
Customer Oh well perhaps I could hear a track?
Assistant Right-o go to booth four.
Customer Yeah thank you.(he walks towards booth and opens door – as he opens the door he startles someone and we hear the sound of a sheep) – sorry (Walks of to another booth and then we hear the actual record.)
Officer Home on leave in two days eh sarge?
(the sound of machine gun fire in the background)
Sergeant (Terry Jones) Yes sir..
Officer Lucky man.
Sergeant Ooh soon be your turn sir.
(Sound of a someone playing a harmonica in the background)
Officer Yes yes I suppose so (the sound of machine gun fire in the background) Is that your wife sarge?
Sergeant Yes sir.
Officer You’re a lucky man.
Sergeant You married sir?
Officer Yes yes rather. Did I ever show that picture of my wife sarge?
(Sound of machine gun fire and harmonica continues)
Sergeant Ah no sir.
Officer Where is the damn thing? Yes here were are. Pretty nice eh?
Sergeant Ah a bit ugly though sir.
Officer Ugly?
Sergeant You know I mean not attractive to men sir.
Officer Well I suppose that’s rather a matter of taste sarge.
Sergeant Oh no no she’s ugly sir.
Officer Its not a very good picture actually, it makes her nose look too big.
Sergeant No the nose is alright it’s the eyes.
Officer What’s wrong?
Sergeant Well, they’re crooked sir.
Officer They’re not crooked
(whistling sound a falling shell)
Sergeant Look out…
Officer Ooooh. (followed by the sound of an explosion, sound of record skipping, explosion, sound of record skipping, explosion, sound of record skipping, explosion, sound of record skipping,. The customer opens the door of the booth)
Customer Ah excuse me… ah the record in four is stuck.
Assistant Pardon sir?
Customer I was listening to First World War noises in four and the record stuck.
Assistant Who served you?
Customer Ah it was a girl.
Assistant Ah yes it was Miss Seveneroller. She’s off dead I am afraid.
Customer Dead?
Assistant Yes she came over all dead so we have given her the afternoon off. Can I help you?
Customer Yeah I was listening to World War noises in four when the record stuck.
Assistant Ah you want Mr Paslow one moment please (he walks off and opens a very squeaky heavy door) Rhonda?
Rhonda (in a the voice of a dungeon jailer) Yes?
Assistant Untie Mr Paslow.
Rhonda But he has told us nothing.
Assistant There is a customer.
(The sound of chains and a lock being opened and then footsteps)
Assistant Right this is Mr Paslow he’ll look after you.
Customer Oh right thank you. Well Mr Paslow I was listening to First World War noises in four and the record stuck. (pause) Hello? Mr Paslow? I think there is something wrong with Mr Paslow.
Assistant Let’s have a look. Ah yes his head’s been ripped off. I’ll get you another.
Customer No. No it’s alright. Its just the record is stuck in four.
Assistant World War noises was it?
Customer Yeah.
Assistant Try Five.
(Walks off opens the door of the booth – sound of the record again)
Officer Home on leave in 2 days eh sarge?
(The sound of machine gun fire in the background)
Sergeant Yes sir.
Officer Lucky man.
Sergeant Ooh soon be your turn sir
(Sound of a someone playing a harmonica in the background)
Officer Yes yes I suppose so (the sound of machine gun fire in the background) Is that your wife sarge?
Sergeant No sir that’s my dog.
Officer Ohh! Ohhh! Ah good looking dog isn’t it?
Sergeant She sir, she’s a bitch
Officer Is she?
Sergeant Yes sir. Ah look out, sir! (the sound of an explosion and someone screaming) Oh blimey.
Officer Ah sarge?
Sergeant Yes sir?
Officer This dog of yours, quite a little stunner isn’t she.
Sergeant Look out sir (sound of machine gun fire) you think they’re bringing up the big mortar sir?
Officer Yes. Does she eh, does she have any friends?
Sergeant What sir?
Officer Your dog.
Sergeant Just the other dogs in the neighborhood sir.
Officer She doesn’t have any steady boyfriends does she?
Sergeant Oh no sir she is a dog.
Officer Yes of course.
(sound of far away explosion)
Sergeant Oh blimey it’s getting bad sir.
Officer Yes, still, I mean, she would not object to someone calling on her would she sarge?
Sergeant I am not sure what you mean sir.
Officer Well I..I..I was thinking perhaps I could take her for a walk sometime.
Sergeant Oh yes sir, course sir. Anytime.
Officer Thank you sarge.
Sergeant (yelling) Look out sir! (explosion) Now that’s my wife sir.
Officer Ah you sure sarge?
Sergeant Yes sir, that’s my wife.
Officer And that’s your dog?
Sergeant Yes sir.
Officer I see. Looks like I will be calling on you rather a lot when all this is over.
Sergeant Oh thank you sir.
Officer Not at all it’s just that I am rather fond of dogs, fond of dogs, fond of dogs.
Customer Excuse me the record’s stuck, the record’s stuck, the record’s stuck, the record’s stuck, the record’s stuck, the record’s stuck…
(the sound of the needle being scratched across the record)
12 Fight of the Century :53 Fight
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 11 sketch 1
13 Minister for Overseas Development 1:05 Minister
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 2 sketch 4
14 Oscar Wilde and Friends 3:23 Oscar
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 13 sketch 3
15 Taking in the Terrier 1:22 Terrier
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 1 episode 10 sketch 5
16 Phone-In 2:36 Phone
Announcer Eric Idle
Woman Carol Cleveland
Operator Terry Jones
Rogers Graham Chapman
Dibbs John Cleese
Norman Michael Palin
Mummybadgers Michael Palin
Caller Terry Jones
(Sound of telephone ringing, in fact throughout the entire sketch we often hear phones ringing in the background)
Announcer (Eric Idle) Welcome to the ‘Phone-In’. Today we have on our panel our resident Psychiatrist, a Psychiatrist who isn’t resident but is staying with the other one because he can’t bear to go home and a Psychiatrist who has lived with the first one but who when the second one arrived felt alienated and since has undergone a total personality change. Our subject tonight is Farming and our first caller is from Redding. (phone rings)
Woman (Carol Cleveland) Hello.
Announcer Hello. Welcome to ‘Phone-In’ what is your question to the panel?
Operator (Terry Jones) You’re through now.
Announcer Hello.
Woman Hello.
Announcer Hello this is ‘Phone-In’, what is your question?
Woman Is Vic there?
Announcer Is Vic there? Is Vic there Doctor Rogers?
Rogers Well the problem here is a simple one the caller wants to know if Vic is there and in this case Vic, as far as I can tell…
Dibbs Can I interrupt Alan?
Announcer Yes of course.
Dibbs I agree with what Rogers was going to say as far as we can tell Vic isn’t here. The only thing she can do is to keep calling and if Vic comes in we’ll let her know.
Announcer Does that answer your question?
Norman (Michael Palin) Hello.
Announcer Hello.
Woman Vic?
Norman Yeah.
Announcer Good evening welcome to phone in what’s your question?
Woman It’s Norman.
Announcer Hello Norman, welcome to the show. What’s your question on farming?
Norman Has he been round again?
Announcer Has he been round again?. Professor Rogers.
Rogers Ah Well I…
Woman On no.
Announcer Professor Dibbs?
Woman But he has been phoning me up.
Dibbs I think we have proved that Vic isn’t here.
Norman Bloody kill him.
Dibbs …and therefore he couldn’t have come around again. It is a fairly simple case of non presence.
Announcer Thank you Norman I hope that answers your question.
Norman I’ll go round there and kill him. Is he down the pub?
Announcer I am sorry Norman, only one question per caller. And now we move on to our next caller please on Farming.
Mummybadgers Hello my name is Mummybadgers.
Announcer Get on with the question.
Mummybadgers Yes I farm over 4000 acres I would like to know the panels attitude to viability of cereal production in the EEC.
Announcer I’m sorry we only want questions about farming. Next caller please.
Caller Hello.
Announcer Hello it’s Mr Gannet from Dorchester isn’t it?
Caller Ah no, he’s dead
Announcer Oh dear
Caller But he left me his question in his will.
Announcer Oh dear well how sad, let’s hear the question.
Caller Oh… ah… unfortunately one of the conditions of the will is that I myself should not reveal the question.
Announcer Oh dear, well can someone else reveal it?
Caller Ah yes, he left provision…
Announcer Ah I am sorry we are running out of time
Caller Yes. He left provision in the will that his wife should be able to reveal the question in certain circumstances.
Announcer Is she there?
Caller Ahhh, yes.
Announcer Well perhaps she could read the question on farming please.
Caller Ahhh, well she is here, but she’s not very well.
Announcer Well is she well enough to read the question?
Caller Ahhhh, no, I wouldn’t think so.
Announcer Well is there anyone there who can read the late Mr Gannet’s question?
Caller Only if the executors of the will were to agree on a revocation of the clause by applying for a codicil…
Announcer Well I’m afraid we must leave that question.
Caller It could be rushed through in about 2 months
Announcer Well I am afraid that is all we have time for.
(sketch ends abruptly)